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Sometimes when I'm feeling down, I go back to my parents to find the Tamagotchi

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that lived on my backpack in middle school. My first technology.

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Little guy never paid the rent. Anyways, tech news time. Mozilla is once again refusing to pull the plug

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on Windows 7 users, announcing that Firefox 115 extended support release

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will continue receiving security updates for another six months,

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pushing the deadline from February to August, 2026.

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This is now the fourth extension since the original September, 2024 end date,

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meaning Windows 7 users have been on over six years of borrowed time

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since Microsoft officially ended support in January, 2020,

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which is an impressive commitment from both Mozilla and the people who apparently

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still haven't found the will to upgrade.

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I'm too weak. And Mozilla is not alone in enabling this behavior.

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Microsoft themselves still push defender security updates,

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all the way back to Windows 7 and even Vista.

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Vista, you dare speak its name? Some holdouts have even used bypass tools

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to install Windows extended security updates they were never supposed to get.

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And Vista users pulled a similar trick with Windows Server 2008 updates,

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whose final support just ended in January. At what point does a software company decide

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that hospice care is just a little too unethical

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for these older operating systems? I don't know, I just,

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it might be time to take them out behind the barn, guys. We're talking about operating systems, so it's okay.

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The FBI has launched an investigation into multiple games on Steam

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that were secretly embedded with malware. The infected titles include block blasters,

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pirate fi, dash verse slash dash FPS,

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Lampi, Lunara, Moldova, Kimia, and Tokenova.

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Recognize any of those? Was it the one that's not a game and actually a landlocked Eastern European nation

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next to Romania? Ha ha ha, got your ass.

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All of the infected games were seeded with malware

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designed to drain crypto wallets and hijack accounts.

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The Bureau's Seattle division is urging victims to fill out a form on FBI.gov,

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where they may be eligible for restitution under federal law.

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The agency suspects that all of the infected titles were the work of a single threat actor

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operating between 2024 and 2026.

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Valve has also been emailing affected users to confirm the investigation.

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The most infamous case was block blasters, which stole $32,000 from streamer Rivo Plavniac

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during a live cancer treatment fundraiser on Twitch.

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When the scammers were tracked down by security research group VX Underground,

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who found the hacker's telegram credentials hard-coded into the malware,

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they attempted to justify themselves by saying the streamer, I'd probably make it back in a few hours.

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And I think I speak for everyone when I say that these guys can eat Schmidt and Pie.

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Whoa, language. It's the hardest words I know.

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The game was verified on Steam, as it contained no malware on release,

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but a patch pushed by the hackers added a crypto-drainer later,

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which investigators estimated stole $150,000 total

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from hundreds of accounts. Despite Valve regularly pulling these games,

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the flood of new releases keeps letting bad actors

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slip through the cracks. This was the perfect option

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for giving the FBI something to investigate that isn't related to extremely well-connected,

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deceased financiers, so it worked out. Iranian hackers launched a massive cyber attack

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on medical technology giant Striker about two weeks after the US launched airstrikes

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on the country. The Iran-linked hacking group, Handila,

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has claimed responsibility, saying it extracted 50 terabytes of data

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and wiped over 200,000 systems, servers, and mobile devices.

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Security researchers believe the hackers gained access to Striker's Microsoft Intune console

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and used the company's own infrastructure to wipe everything clean.

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Honestly, it's pretty wild that there are Microsoft features still stable enough

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to even allow a hack like this. Striker confirmed a global disruption

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to their Microsoft environment and says medical devices like Mako and Lifepack

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are still safe to use, but the company has no timeline for full restoration.

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In an SEC filing, Striker disclosed it doesn't yet know the full financial impact,

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which is concerning for a Fortune 500 company.

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I mean, you're in charge of 500 fortunes, guys.

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That's what that means. Handila claims that Striker offices

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in 79 countries have been shut down. Nice.

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Close again. Still working on numbers.

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And employees report that even personal phones were wiped

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if they had corporate apps installed. And the conflict is having other impacts

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on the tech world as well. Iranian drone strikes knocked Qatar's

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Ross LeFond Helium Complex offline on March 2nd,

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removing roughly 30% of the global helium supply.

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Helium is used to cool silicon wafers during chip fabrication,

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and there's no viable immediate substitute, putting South Korea's entire semiconductor industry

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on a two-week clock before things start breaking down.

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SK Heinecks says it has diversified and secured sufficient inventory for now,

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but if the outage drags on, it could be an issue for everyone,

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including computer manufacturers, party supply stores,

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and that creepy clown that keeps showing up in the background of my childhood photos.

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He's in the back of every shot with our sponsor.

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As far as I understand it, Tamagotchi's don't usually survive for 20 years,

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but somehow mine has. Frankly, it's not a pleasant sight.

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It can barely wiggle its wrinkled body. It wakes up to hear the quick bits,

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gives a little smile, and then goes back to sleep. It won't be long now, I hope.

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Google Maps is getting what Google calls its biggest navigation update in over a decade,

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replacing the flat 2D driving view with a full 3D immersive navigation mode

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that renders buildings, overpasses, crosswalks, and traffic signs along your route.

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In more detail than it did before. There's also a conversational Ask Maps feature

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for natural language queries rolling out now in the US.

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Just hope. When you use this, the Gemini doesn't start hallucinating,

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or you'll get the full rally driver experience.

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Three left, overcressed, straight off a cliff.

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G-Fiber, the ISP formerly known as Google Fiber,

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is merging with Astound Broadband in a deal that makes investment firm Stonepeak

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the majority owner, with Alphabet stepping back

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to a minority shareholder role. The combined company will keep the G-Fiber executive team

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and aims to become a national fiber platform,

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though Google declined to comment beyond its press release.

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So instead of killing G-Fiber outright, Google just put it in a little basket

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and left it at someone else's house, which canonically makes G-Fiber Harry Potter.

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If Google is Voldemort here, and he killed Harry's parents,

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but had a last second change of heart and kept Harry alive,

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but didn't wanna raise him as his weird little snake baby, because, well, frankly, he might've been the dark lord,

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but he was not ready to be a parent, well, so.

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The world's most annoying hacking group, Shiny Hunters, has struck again,

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claiming to have stolen nearly one petabyte of data

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from Canadian tech outsourcing giant, Telus Digital.

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That petabyte allegedly includes source code,

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financial information, FBI background checks,

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and voice recordings of support calls across 28 of its client companies.

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The Hunters got in using Google Cloud credentials

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found in the earlier sales loft drift breach

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they conducted that is still causing problems. Shiny Hunters demanded $65 million,

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and so far, Telus has ghosted them, but I don't know, the hackers might not take no for an answer.

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They probably really want that Canadian money, because it's Shiny, our bills have some shiny parts.

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Do you get it? They will never stop until they get our $2 coins.

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They will never stop until their bird nests are complete.

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Ah! A Texas Cybertruck owner is suing Tesla

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after her vehicle allegedly tried to drive straight off an overpass in full self-driving mode.

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The plaintiff in the suit, Justine St. Amour,

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who was evidently out for a drive while taking a break from being the femme fatale

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in a film noir detective movie, is interestingly connecting this incident

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directly to Elon Musk being irresponsible.

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What? What? Huh? Claiming that Tesla was negligent

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in choosing to keep him as CEO. The lawsuit specifically references Musk

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overriding the opinion of Tesla engineers who recommended LiDAR over a camera-only system

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to support Tesla's FSD capabilities. Last week, a judge upheld a $243 million verdict

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in a separate fatal autopilot crash, which is bad news for Tesla,

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as the NHTSA has linked the system to nearly 1,000 other crashes.

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And with Musk needing to sell 10 million FSD subscriptions

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to unlock his trillion-dollar bonus, I think he might have to settle

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for just having $843 billion instead.

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Chin up, buddy. If you don't get it, you're a loser.

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And perhaps inspired by Elon, Alexa Plus now has an adults-only,

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sassy personality mode that lets Amazon's assistant curse and roast you,

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though it will steer clear of truly not-safer work stuff

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like explicit sexual content or discussion of illegal activities

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because you never go full grok. Sassy mode cannot be activated

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when the Amazon Kids mode is enabled and requires a facial scan to unlock.

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A PC world writer got absolutely dragged

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when Alexa told him it's not her fault his lights have trust issues,

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and maybe he should try being specific instead of blaming the hardware for your vague requests.

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Yikes.

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I can fix her. Riley, no. She's probably just grumpy.

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She just needs a back rope. And you can fix your alarming lack of tech news

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by coming back on Monday for more tech news.

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Remember, the virtual pet inside your Tamagotchi is real and alive and apparently immortal

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in like a gross, lovecraftian way where it just kind of keeps aging but doesn't actually die.

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Have a good weekend.