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Okay, stand back. Stand back! We've got a dangerous amount of tech news

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coming through with it. You trying to get your face burned off? Get the back up!

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When tech news gets too close, it burns your face off. Ah!

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Andy, no. iPhone 16 will come with a pretty hefty upgrade

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according to a new report from Taiwanese site Economic Daily News.

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Their sources indicate Apple's next gen A18 chips

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for mobile and M4 chips for Macs will likely feature an upgraded neural engine

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with significantly more AI cores, which makes sense given that Tim Cook promised

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to give us huge AI announcements if we were good this year.

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Other recent reports have indicated Apple will be launching a suite of generative features

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as part of iOS 18, most likely at WWDC in June.

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Notably, Apple Silicon's standard neural engine has had 16 cores since the iPhone 12 back in 2020.

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What is your grandma's neural processor? However, certain configurations of the Mac Studio

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and the Mac Pro have had neural engines with up to 32 cores,

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which my AI assistant tells me is twice as many.

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And you'll definitely want to get one of these new phones because Apple is currently rolling out

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quantum proof encryption protection in what the company is calling

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the most significant cryptographic security upgrade

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in iMessage history, including all the other ones you remember.

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It's a preventative measure to help keep you safe from getting hacked by computers that don't even exist yet.

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Well, I'll be safe today when you can be safe tomorrow. We released a patch for a bug that wasn't even...

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What won't protect your phone, however, is rice,

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especially from hackers, according to new guidance published by Apple Support,

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who recommend leaving your phone to dry somewhere with decent airflow rather than shoving it

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in a sack full of edible grain, which might get into the device and damage it.

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I, however, would like additional clarification. What about oatmeal, barley, quinoa?

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You're just showing off about how many grains you know. Grits!

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What'd you say, rits? Grits! What?

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What if I put a fan in with the rice? Is that enough airflow? Psh!

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The European Commission has announced a formal investigation

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into whether TikTok is out of compliance with the Digital Services Act,

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specifically when it comes to the protection of miners and potentially addictive design features.

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TikTok will be the second platform investigated under the DSA following Twitter,

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which drew the commission's ire in part because they have a moderation team

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that's barely even big enough to staff and control a large waffle house.

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But they try. Both TikTok and Twitter are potentially in trouble

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with the EU over failure to meet the DSA's standards

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for advertiser transparency and access to research data.

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But TikTok has received far more attention for the harm it might pose to children and adolescents

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because Twitter is for old people, I feel attacked. Guys, we have to make more TikToks.

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We don't make any right. According to an EC Press officer speaking to ours,

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Technica, the commission suspects TikTok of failing to ensure its default settings

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will appropriately protect the safety and privacy of miners,

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as well as neglecting to properly assess the risk of 13 to 17 year olds pretending to be adults on the app,

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which is less of a risk and more of a certainty.

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But TikTok is far from the only company in Europe's bad books,

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as the EU will reportedly be finding Apple around 500 million euros next month,

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following an antitrust probe into a formal complaint from Spotify that Apple was using its platform

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to preference its own music streaming service. This is so sad.

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Siri, play Despacito. Google suddenly dropped a couple

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of lightweight open source AI models inspired by the same tech

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used in their flagship model, Gemini. So naturally they called it Gemma,

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the sound you'd make if you gave up saying the word Gemini halfway through.

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Why use chatGPT when you can use the Gemma? Actually it's pronounced Gemma.

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Is it? No. Okay. Google says Gemma 2B and 7B can be run locally,

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do better than larger models on key benchmarks,

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although we've heard that before, and are part of what DeepMind CEO,

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Demis Hasabis calls the company's long history

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of supporting responsible open source and science,

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which apparently did nothing to stop open AI from snagging the AI crowd.

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But hey, sure, you know, you know, whatever. Although if chatGPT continues occasionally

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losing its damn mind as it did early this morning,

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Google may have a shot. Reports flooded in from chatGPT users

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about getting responses that were everything from overly verbose to full on gibberish

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until open AI correctly diagnosed and fixed the bug in about 24 hours.

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This follows open AI having to step in after widespread reports of its chatbot

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slacking off around the holiday season. Okay, say it with me.

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It thinks it's people.

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The following five quick bits have not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration.

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It would be weird if they were, you can't ingest news, or can you?

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A federal appeals court has overturned a $1 billion penalty that was leveled

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against Cable ISP Cox Communications in 2019.

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According to the judge, Sony did not prove its case that Cox received direct financial benefit

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from the piracy and copyright infringement committed by its users.

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Cox may still face penalties due to the finding that it failed to combat piracy,

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making it a willful contributor to the infringement,

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but such a penalty will likely be far lighter than the damages originally awarded.

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They didn't actually make money from you downloading all nine seasons of Seinfeld.

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They just stood there and watched it happen. Great finale.

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Elon Musk claims the first Neuralink patient

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can already move a computer mouse with their mind, a sentence that would be way more impressive

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if it didn't include the word computer.

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While Musk has stated patient A can move a mouse around the screen just by thinking,

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that's really all anyone knows at this point. This has caused concern among some researchers

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who believe the public deserves a bit more transparency

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because people care deeply about their brains.

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Using their brains. Yeah, I care deeply about how my soyboy brain

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is completely incapable of telekinesis. Hurry it up, Elon.

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I wanna be a Jedi, colon survivor.

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A coalition of AI experts, academics, and industry executives,

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including deep learning pioneer, Yashua Benjio,

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have published an open letter calling for more regulation and safeguards for deep fakes.

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According to the letter, which currently has over 600 signatures,

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the rapid advancement of deep fake technology means that they have become a common element

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of fraud schemes, disinformation campaigns, and non-consensual sexual imagery.

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Honestly, it's tragic to see people using AI to impersonate and deceive people

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when they could instead be like Will Smith, who commemorated last year's viral AI monstrosity

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by pretending to be a machine-generated version of himself eating spaghetti in the worst way possible.

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I call it a shallow, real deep fake.

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Y'all better watch yourself. Taylor Swift's gonna hunt you for sport.

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Last week, 13,000 owners of Y's home security cameras

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were able to see images, and in some cases, video,

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from cameras that weren't theirs due to a bizarre glitch.

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Even worse, a similar issue occurred just five months ago.

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In an email, Y's referred to this newest incident as a security issue that occurred

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due to a third-party caching client library

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the company had started using. Like they did five months ago, Y said,

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they may changes to their system so that something like this never happens again, again.

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And a nearly three-decade-old European satellite

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made an uncontrolled re-entry into the Earth's atmosphere earlier today.

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The ERS-2 satellite, which CBS described as wing,

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about as much as an adult male rhinoceros,

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so we can all get a ballpark. That's about pretty heavy.

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Was decommissioned and had the last of its fuel used up in 2011 in order to prevent

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any potential catastrophic explosion, meaning its descent couldn't be controlled

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as it spent the next 13 years slowly falling back to Earth

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while it thought about what it's done. In the future, space debris might be managed

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by specialized junk removers like the Addras-J satellite

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that launched this past weekend. In the meantime, however, most of ERS-2's rhino-like mass

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has burned up in the atmosphere, and its remaining chunks are raining down

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across a 100-mile-wide patch of the Pacific Ocean

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in a decidedly un-rhino-like manner.

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And also, unlike a rhino, you should come back on Friday for more tech news.

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I mean, hey, no offense if you're a rhino. I just, I don't know if it'd be really your kind of thing.

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I just don't, we don't have a rhino section in the demographics of,

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rounders are cool, man.