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Hear ye, hear ye, the kingdom of tech doth bring news most urgent from the digital realm.

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The trebuchets are loaded, the Zuckerberg approaches, loose the news!

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23 major news outlets are blocking the internet archive's incredibly useful wayback machine

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from crawling their sites. Because, you know, we cannot, in fact, have nice things anymore.

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USA Today just recently used the wayback machine to call out ICE for altering detention stats,

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and then immediately block the archival tool from crawling their own site. Which is, frankly,

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just rude. The news outlets say this is necessary to stop AI crawlers from treating their sites

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like an all-you-can-scrape buffet. But not all of them are blocking wayback's crawler.

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The Guardian's Director of Business Affairs said that the Wayback Machine's API is a real AI risk,

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so they are only going to be blocking that. So maybe don't attack them on social media.

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Wayback's Director Mark Graham responded, calling those AI fears

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unfounded and restating how much effort they put into preventing possible abuses of the crawler.

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Groups like Fight for the Future and Electronic Frontier Foundation are rallying journalists

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to publicly back the archive, and over 100 of them have signed a letter thanking the

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Internet Archive and the Wayback Machine for being an essential and critical tool.

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In other words, please don't die, we kind of need you to fact-check our bosses, please.

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Google, Microsoft, and Meta are all tracking users even when they opt out of cookies,

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according to an independent privacy audit. WebXray, a privacy-focused search engine,

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which is founded by a former Google privacy engineer, scanned over 7,000 popular California

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websites, finding that 55% did set ad cookies even after users clicked reject.

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Big Tech isn't respecting people's privacy? No way!

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According to the report, Google, Microsoft, and Meta failed to honor the opt-outs 86, 50,

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and 69% of the time respectively. Nice. Sorry, the number, not the situation.

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Unsurprisingly, all three companies disputed the findings, with Google calling it a

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fundamental misunderstanding of the technology, with Microsoft complaining that a rejection of

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all cookies would cause some websites to break. According to WebXray's founder,

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the three companies have paid billions in privacy-related finds already,

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but that they see these payments as part of a cost-of-doing business.

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You know what they say, you can't make an omelet without breaking a few billion eggs.

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The FCC just granted Netgear a conditional exemption from the US ban on importing new models

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of foreign routers, making it the only company currently allowed to import and sell foreign

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made consumer routers. Neither the FCC nor Netgear have explained why this special privilege

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has been granted. The only possible explanation? Netgear is FCC chair Brendan Carr's illegitimate

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son. Or maybe they just bought a s**t load of Trump phones. The whole thing is genuinely baffling,

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especially since the FCC's original justification for the ban was the Volt Typhoon hack, which

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primarily targeted Cisco and, guess what, Netgear routers. Even weirder, the FCC's approval process

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for the exemption requires a detailed plan to expand US manufacturing, which Netgear hasn't

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publicly committed to do. Critics are also quick to flag that the approval process asks

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zero questions about router security, with the focus being entirely on where the routers are made,

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which, for the vast majority of consumer routers, is not in the US. Until other brands secure their

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own exemptions, Netgear is going to be living a very privileged life. That illegitimate son's

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theory sounding a little less crazy now, eh? Eh? And low, in our hour of greatest need,

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cometh our salvation, diminutive in-stature, yet vicious. Release the quick bits!

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Windows Recall is facing fresh security issues raised by researcher Alexander Haag- oh wow,

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Alexander H, whose work contributed to Microsoft delaying the original version of the feature.

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H's tool, Total Recall Reloaded, demonstrates how malware can

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ride along with Windows Recall, getting a free pass to the PC's entire history,

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which is precisely the scenario Microsoft's architecture should restrict. Despite Alexander

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submitting a full report to Microsoft, they denied that it was an issue, saying that it

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falls within the current documented security design. I guess that means it's not a bug,

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but a feature if they put it in the manual, right? Really makes me recall why Windows gives me the

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ick. China has just tested a device that can cut undersea cables at a depth of 3500 meters,

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hailing it as a breakthrough in pipeline repair, and causing other governments to flip out.

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The announcement comes amidst global tension around a string of suspected sabotage incidents

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in which undersea cables carrying the world's internet communications were severed. This prompted

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NATO to patrol the waters near these cables to protect them. So you better torrent your anime now,

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boys, if you ever want to find out if Princess Mononoke finally gets her… glass slippers back.

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Snap CEO Evan Spiegel announced plans to lay off 1,000 employees, which is 16% of the workforce,

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because AI has the capability of being the company's hardest working intern.

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Spiegel says AI productivity gains will let smaller teams reduce repetitive work

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and increase velocity, which tracks since Snapchat's product roadmap has historically

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been 90% new filters and 10% wondering if anyone asked for them. NVIDIA paid out almost 900 million

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in warranty claims last year, that is 10 times more than the previous year, thanks to the 16-pin

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power connectors continuing to melt themselves into modern art. Look what they did to my boy!

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There is actually a silver lining in all of this though. At least one Taiwanese RTX 4090 owner

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was able to prevent a potential house fire last week. It was after his cat started screening when

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it smelled ray traced fumes. I guess the most reliable thermal monitoring tool in 2026 might

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in fact be a cat. And Chinese automaker Sarah's was just granted a patent for an in-vehicle toilet.

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The good news is the toilet seat is not permanently fixed and can be hidden under the seat,

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otherwise your butt would get all, you know, sloshy and no one wants that.

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Hopefully the creator of the motorized toilet has had his invention patented,

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otherwise there's going to be a serious legal battle. I for one am on the side of the motorized

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toilet. I will not stand for big auto monopolizing the mobile bowel movement. That's just ridiculous.

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The siege is over. The kingdom of tech has fallen. But take heart, for now we rebuild.

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Two days hence on the 17th of April, we shall gather arms once more and reign tech news

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upon the heads of our enemies. This metaphor needs more work, but you kind of understand.