WEBVTT

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You know when you wake up and you can't move and there's a hunch of demons sitting on your chest

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whispering dark implications? That's your sleep paralysis demon, Doug.

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And today, he's whispering the tech news. Microsoft has finally admitted to itself

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that Windows 11 sucks. According to a leaked report,

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it has created an internal initiative to fix the much beleaguered OS,

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codenamed K2. So named because ripping out all that bloatware

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will be as hard as a 28,000 foot vertical set. The plan follows Microsoft's commitment

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to win back users by addressing their pain points, as announced by Windows president,

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Pavan Davaluri, back in March. Leaksay K2 will rebuild the start menu from scratch

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in WinUI 3, removing ads and making it up to 60% faster.

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K2 also includes a full file explorer overhaul.

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Don't touch what I love. More reliable Windows updates and de-bloating the OS to run better on handhelds.

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For gaming, Leaksay Microsoft's using Valve's Steam OS as a performance benchmark,

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likely because the next Xbox console will run Windows 11.

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For better or worse, in the meantime, Windows 11 is trying for some quick wins

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by adding screen tents to reduce migraines.

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Sure, Pavan. It was the blue light causing migraines.

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Not every single patch Tuesday coming with a hundred bugs that bricked your machine.

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It couldn't have been that. OpenAI is planning to release its own smartphone.

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According to a report from supply chain analyst Ming-Chi Kuo.

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Kuo says OpenAI is working with Qualcomm and MediaTek on the processors

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with Luxshare as the exclusive co-design and manufacturing partner.

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If true, this would make for the third hardware product OpenAI is planning to release

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after Joni Ive's smart speaker and earbuds and not including that weird orb

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that Altman keeps trying to scam, I mean, scan people with.

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The goal with the smartphone product would be to compete with the iPhone by replacing apps with AI agents.

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Ah, yes. I've always wanted to let my phone hallucinate directions

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to the closest Burger King. I don't care that this is a bank. I want a Whopper God damn it, it's Wednesday.

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Qualcomm shares jumped 13% in pre-market trading

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this morning after Kuo's post. Further evidence that the market continues

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to be as irrational as your uncle, 12 beers in at a fourth of July party,

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claiming he can clear the pool if he gets a running start at it.

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Give him a chance. Intel has reportedly canceled its next-gen celestial discreet gaming GPUs,

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leaving ARK fans with no successor in sight to the Battlemage B580.

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But they do this all the time with ARK, don't they? According to leaker Jaykin,

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the celestial the architecture meant to follow Battlemage was killed long ago and Intel just didn't tell us,

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which is a fun new way to break up with your customers. The chip design isn't dead.

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It's just going to Panther Lake laptops and AI data centers instead,

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where Intel can sell one chip with 160 gigs of memory

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for more than a whole stack of gaming cards.

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That leaves Druid as the only hope for a B580 successor.

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But Jaykin says even that is up in the air.

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So if you were waiting for an affordable ARK car to come in and fix the GPU market,

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you may want to start waiting for something else,

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like Half-Life 3 or our sponsor.

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Much like your sleep paralysis demon, the quick bits also travel the nightmare realms,

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but they're mostly delivering Uber Eats orders. Microsoft is finally letting Windows insiders

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pause updates indefinitely. In 35-day chunks, they can extend forever

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via a new calendar interface. The feature is rolling out to dev and experimental testers

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with no cap on how many times you can hit extend, extend.

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Of course, indefinitely here means clicking a button every 35 days for the rest of your natural life

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on a beta build for the same OS that bricked itself with the last three updates.

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But hey, something's better than nothing. Commodore has reversed course

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on locking down third-party firmware for its C64 Ultimate Retro PC after community backlash,

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opting for a use at your own risk disclaimer instead.

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The original policy was meant to stop users from bricking their machines with custom mods

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and asking Commodore to fix it. Now you're free to brick your C64 all you want,

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which is exactly the kind of problem 80s hobbyists fought a war to have.

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Welcome back to 1982, cowards. Meta signed to deal with startup overview energy

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to beam solar power from satellites down to its AI data centers,

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becoming the first company to lock in a space-based solar agreement.

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The contract reserves up to one gigawatt of capacity

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with an orbital demo planned for 2028 and commercial delivery by 2030,

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that magical year that all policies started. Honestly, firing directed energy signals from orbit

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at a precise location on Earth feels like Zuck may have finally found a company to help him phone home.

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The war in Iran is reportedly disrupting the global supply chain for printed circuit boards,

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further driving up computer component costs, as if that needed help.

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According to Goldman Sachs, PCB prices increased by 40% between March and April,

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and since they're used in everything that beeps and boops,

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the entire tech industry is feeling pressure. The shortages due to a military strike on a refinery

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where chemical giant Sabik produces around 70%

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of the world's PPE resin. Here's hoping we can get that PPE flown again soon.

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Why are there so many choke points in our system like this?

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And Toyota has unveiled a $3,500 office chair

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built from an actual Toyota Crown front power seat

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with heating, cooling, power recline, and a seatbelt buckle repurposed into a USB-C charging port.

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It runs off a built-in battery, is limited to only 70 units,

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and is being sold exclusively in Japan. The seatbelt is non-functional,

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and that's a real shame, because I'd love to see Toyota's airbag deployment system

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go off mid-valorant match. Probably happened to why you're getting teabag too.

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You're like, you shot him up! Just like I love to see you back here on Wednesday

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for more tech news, because if I don't tell you the tech news, Doug says he's gonna take me back to the never-around,

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where all of time and space folds in on itself in an infinite toroid without beginning or end.

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See ya!
