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Octobuses may have three hearts nine brains and the ability to open up jars from the inside, but consider this none of them watch tech news

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So could they really be that smart? Would they even know that China is apparently telling its top tech companies to refuse US investments unless they get

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explicit government approval? insiders reportedly told Bloomberg that this move is part of a broader response to

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Meta's purchase of Chinese AI agent focused startup menace with regulators citing

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National security as they move to block US stakes in sensitive sectors, but I mean, I guess it's not that bad

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I mean China doesn't really need US money anyway to keep making EVs that feel more like flashy next-gen tech products than cars

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Which I guess is probably why BYD outsold Tesla globally last year

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Then this week tech giant Alidaba announced its quen AI models are going to be integrated into a number of vehicles made by Chinese automakers

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Like BYD, but then also SAIC Volkswagen the Chinese German joint venture

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So wait, I guess they're not against Western money in general

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They just prefer their own tech oligarchs to run things rather than bringing in the Zuck to help them throw billions of dollars down the drain

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Speaking of the Zuck Meta and Microsoft have both announced new massive reductions in staff

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Although in very different ways, Meta is laying off 8,000 people which amounts to 10% of its workforce

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Meta's CPO Janelle Gayle told staff that the cuts will offset the other investments we're making

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Well, that's comforting Some of you may die

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And makes sense, I guess given that Meta just committed up to a hundred thirty-five billion dollars on data centers this year alone

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Microsoft's plan meanwhile is a little more gentle They're offering voluntary buyouts to about 8,700 US employees in the company's first ever voluntary retirement program

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Anyone at the senior director level or below whose age and years worked at Microsoft add up to 70 can apply

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So if you're a 52 year old with 18 years at Microsoft, you're good to go and by go, I mean get out of here

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You got to hand it to Microsoft's legal team though voluntary retirement does kind of dodge the age discrimination lawsuits that regular layoffs can invite

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While still keeping that we're all living in a dystopia vibe going and they say there's no innovation in tech anymore

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Apple meanwhile patched a vulnerability this week that let the FBI obtain deleted signal messages from a suspect's iPhone

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Even after the app was uninstalled and the messages were set to auto-delete

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The fix comes after an April 9th report from 404 media

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The outlet revealed that the Bureau was using a forensic tool to dig into a defendants push notification database

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Where copies of incoming signal previews were quietly hanging around for long after they were supposed to be gone

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It turns out that iOS was treating signals delete request as more of a

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Suggestion Signal CEO Meredith Whitaker flagged the issue on blue sky noting that deleted notifications

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Shouldn't linger in any os database and asked apple to fix it and to apple's credit

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They did listen apple rolled out iOS 26.4.2 on wednesday with a patch highlighting

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Improved data redaction leading signal to publicly thank them for the quick turnaround

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A rare moment of tech giants listening to each other and helping protect people from government surveillance

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All it took was the FBI rifling through someone's notification history. You know who would never do that though

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Our sponsor if you think about it octopuses can squeeze through any opening larger than their beak kind of like how i'm gonna squeeze

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All of these rapid morsels into the next couple of minutes

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Microsoft is finally letting it admins uninstall co-pilot from enterprise devices via a new patch Tuesday policy

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Which is good, but it does have some interesting conditions

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Microsoft 365 co-pilot has to be installed. I mean that one makes sense aka office. The user can't have installed co-pilot themselves

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Okay, sure. They can't delete something the user installed. Okay. I can I can jive with that one

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And co-pilot can't have been launched in the last 28 days

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Now come on. We all accidentally pressed the button sometimes

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What may not have been an accident is a conspiracy to profit from poly market gambling

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The french weather agency has asked police to investigate some suspected tampering with a weather sensor at charles de gall airport near paris

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After a couple of suspiciously timed temperature spikes that were

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Cashed in on to the tune of around 35 Thousand dollars in profit. You know, I thought the whole point of a blockchain prediction market is that it's supposed to be trustless

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But I guess that works great until someone demonstrates that the entire system

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Is plugged into an airport thermometer that anyone can walk up to with a hair dryer and go. Oh, yeah, I think the high of today is going to be

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52 It's democratizing insider trading a former ransomware negotiator at cybersecurity firm digital mint has pleaded guilty

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To playing both sides of the table with the hacker group that he was paid to fight

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prosecutors say that angelo martino gave the cyber gang known as

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Black cat his clients insurance limits and internal strategies across five different negotiations

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Helping to steal 75 million dollars in ransom money for a cut of the profits

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Feds have already seized 10 million dollars in assets from martino including a luxury fishing boat and

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inexplicably a food truck because you should never pretend to negotiate on an empty stomach

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The uk national cyber security center has unveiled a plug-and-play dongle called silent glass

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That can stop malware from being transmitted over HDMI or DisplayPort

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If you're confused about why this device would be necessary

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It turns out that analysts are too protocol level exploits and compromised monitors are both legit attack vectors

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But they're basically non-existent outside of conference demos, but hey, I guess it makes about as much sense as anything else

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You'll find in the uk. Oh come on. That's not nice uk's catching strays today

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And sony's ai division has built a ping-pong robot that just became the first machine to beat a professional table tennis player

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Under official tournament rules ace the ping-pong bot tracks the ball using nine cameras and measures spin

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700 times per second which according to a nature paper published this week is how it took down elite university players and pros alike

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That's right unbeatable bots are coming to athletic games now too And if chess is anything to go by this is inevitably going to lead to somebody cheating with a butt plug, but

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Robots can't replace your innate value as a conscious human being

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So we want you to come back here on monday for more tech news. That's it for today. I'm going to go taste something with my arms

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Dang, the pus got nothing on me. We'll put my arms on stuff. They're not going to beat you. Yeah, that's good. Just like that. You're tasting

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the air