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Oh my gosh, wow, oh my gosh, wow, the tech news today.

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It made me do that. When have you ever seen me do that?

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So that's how you know.

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Microsoft's Windows 11 February update has led to reports of failed installations,

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broken network connections and cryptic errors, proving that as a public holiday,

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Patch Tuesday is less Easter and more lent.

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You're supposed to refrain from eating while you atone for your computer's sins.

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Microsoft, bless their hearts, says everything's fixed

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and points to their known issues page. But Reddit and the Microsoft Answers forums

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tell a different story. We're talking Wi-Fi connecting with no actual internet,

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Bluetooth controllers straight up disappearing mid session

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and at least one sysadmin on Reddit saying there was a three out of five chance

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his task bar would just disappear. Can you find a way to get it back?

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It's like a game. Sure, some of these problems could be lingering issues left over

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from last month's file explorer breaking update,

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but that doesn't exactly make Microsoft look better here.

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But I don't know, maybe the devs are just busy with actually important things,

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like deleting official blog posts that recommended people train AI models

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on pirated Harry Potter books. Blimey co-pilot, didn't you wonder

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where your parents learned it all? Learned what?

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You're a chatbot co-pilot. I'm a what?

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A chatbot! And a thumpin' s**t when I'd wager?

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Oh. Met a CEO and former Inzmouth resident,

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Mark Zuckerberg, took the stand on Wednesday in a landmark social media addiction trial

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where a 20 year old plaintiff is alleging that Instagram's design worsened her depression

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and thoughts of self-harm. Zuck, seen here exiting the courtroom

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wearing his dad's suit, told the jury I care about the well-being of teens and kids

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who are using our services, pointing to an email he sent Tim Apple in 2018

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to chat about child safety. Remember that, Tim?

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Yeah, fish boy, what a great guy.

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Thank you, Tim. Zuckerberg also admitted that Metta may have once set goals

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around increasing time spent by users,

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but that's no longer how they operate. Probably because they already tuned the hell

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out of the dopamine machine that is Instagram. That's things crank, it's working well.

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The trial's been generally rocky for the puppet-turned-billionaire

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with the prosecution showing the jury an internal Facebook email from 2017 stating,

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Mark has decided the top priority for the company is teens.

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Bad phrasing. Phrasing! On top of that, the judge scolded him and his entourage

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for wearing camera-equipped Ray-Ban Metta glasses

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into the courtroom, threatening to hold them in contempt

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as you may be aware of this, recording courtroom proceedings

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is often illegal, which, to be fair, is not something big tech bros are often concerned about.

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Former Metta VP Brian Boland, though, seems like maybe one of the good ones,

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he took the stand after spending 11 years

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helping build Metta's ad machine.

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So, okay, maybe, I don't know, jury's out on him.

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He told the jury that Zuckerberg fostered a culture

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that prioritized growth over user safety

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and that when concerns about harm came up, the primary response was to manage the press cycle

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rather than actually investigate the problem. Boland left the company in 2020 walking away

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from over $10 million in unvested stock.

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Imagine how unlikable Zuckerberg must be

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for someone to walk away from $10 million.

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I feel like that wins the court case right there. We've seen enough.

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You may have seen a bunch of headlines and circulation about how headphones are poisonous now or something,

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but don't worry, we looked into it. So an EU-funded coalition of Central European consumer groups

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tested 81 pairs of headphones and found harmful chemicals in every single one.

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They tested products from well-known brands like Bose, Samsung, and Sennheiser,

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but also stuff like off-brand children's headphones from Timu, which was apparently one of the worst offenders.

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So that's nice. BPA, the bad chemical that every water bottle now

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has to assure you it does not contain, showed up in 98% of samples,

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along with other bad boys like phthalates, chlorinated paraffins, and flame retardants,

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some of which can migrate through your skin,

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especially when you sweat. Now, while that does sound concerning,

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some have pointed out a couple methodologically weird things

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with the study and just because headphones contain a chemical doesn't mean that it's going to get into your body

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and poison you. Nevertheless, certain media outlets

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have been sensationalizing the issue. PC Gamer went with, all headphones are toxic.

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Tom's guide said you should ditch your headphones for speakers and the Guardian summarized

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the study's concerns as being partially about the risk of the feminization of males.

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Oh no! Which predictably sent Reddit into a spiral.

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Now, if you take the time to read it, the report is pretty reasonable.

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They're pointing out the companies are cramming in as much of these regulated chemicals as they can

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without getting in trouble and then shifting to equally bad but unregulated substitutes

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when they get caught. Talks Free wants greater regulation

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to close loopholes like this. And we feel that it's important to point out

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that while some outlets may be overblowing the danger to society,

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the study itself brings some important issues to light and maybe should be taken seriously,

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perhaps even more seriously than our sponsor.

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Wow. I just saw what the quick bits are today and...

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I'm still pretty crazy. We're going, ah!

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Intel has announced that it's moving certain customer support functions to an AI chatbot.

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And while AI customer assistants are relatively common now,

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Intel's assistant seems to be taking a little too much initiative with troubleshooting hardware issues.

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When a PC world writer tested the behavior of the bot with a crashing CPU,

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it helpfully told them to try updating their graphics driver

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before kind of just going through up some boilerplate troubleshooting steps.

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Hopefully the graphics thing works out though. This is a little embarrassing for Intel

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as they've helped fast food chains experiment with putting AI chatbots in drive-thrus for years,

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including KFC. But a CPU malfunction is a little more complicated

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than, you know, a bucket of chicken. No matter how many herbs and spices there are,

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and whether they're secret or not, how many are there?

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I got a lot of them. Okay.

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Amazon's Ring is not only sticking with it's enabled by default search party feature

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that lets ring camera owners search each other's footage

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for lost dogs, despite backlash over its eerily dystopian Super Bowl ad,

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they are doubling down. Leaked internal emails showed CEO, Jamie Siminoff,

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suggesting that he's pretty excited to see the results of our public agencies using this tool

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and the impact it will have on our communities.

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Woof. And that eventually ring cameras could help

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zero out crime in neighborhoods, at least a certain kind of crime.

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Dog crime. I don't think a drag net of ring cameras

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is going to be able to zero out investment fraud.

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And I don't think that's really their goal anyway. Shiny Hunters, the internet's favorite hacking group

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is back at it again this week after launching cyber attacks

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against both win resorts and car gurus.

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The craziest part, they're apparently using the same vishing methods seen in previous breaches.

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That's fishing, but like voice version of it. Stay, keep up.

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The stolen data includes 800,000 employee records

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from win resorts and around 1.7 million corporate files

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from car gurus. Gurus. Gurus.

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A spokesperson for the Hunters told the register that stolen data includes full names,

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emails, phone numbers, positions, salaries, start dates, and even birthdays.

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Honestly, what's Shiny Hunters deal? And what are these shinies?

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They're hunting. If we give them a few Charizard's Gardevoirs and a Mew,

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will they leave us alone? The FBI has issued new guidance to store owners

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after hackers jackpot it more than 700 ATMs in 2025,

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stealing roughly $20 million.

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Using malware called Plotus? Criminals infect a machine's internals

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and force cash withdrawals without using a card,

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tricking the machine itself instead of using a fake bank account.

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I'm actually surprised they explained how it works. You would think they'd wanna keep this information

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from the crazy people who are currently using forklifts

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to rip ATMs out of the ground. We can't let them know there's an easier option.

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And Substack just announced an expansion of their existing partnership

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with gambling platform Polymarket, allowing Substack authors to embed prediction market

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betting data directly into newsletters and articles.

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Polymarket celebrated the new partnership by tweeting that journalism is better

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when it's backed by live markets.

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Sure. And I'm sure this isn't an elaborate narrative

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to avoid being regulated as a gambling platform. In unrelated news, I'm launching a statistics course

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where you try and guess where a ball will land in a spinning wheel using statistics

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because learning is always better when backed by the ability to lose your life savings.

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But you won't lose anything if you come back on Monday for more tech news, except maybe time.

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And we all have an unlimited amount of that. So it doesn't matter.

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Woo, I'm never gonna die.