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Welcome, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,

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and statistically, ladies, to the tech news.

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I think the ratio is even worse. Jessica wrote that, so it's okay.

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This morning's Made By Google event marked the official launch of the Pixel 8,

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Pixel 8 Pro, and Pixel Watch 2. The sequel to the Pixel Watch

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has a more efficient Qualcomm Snapdragon W5 processor

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and up to 24 hours of battery life, even with always on display active,

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almost matching the features of the $15 dumb watch

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you bought off a homeless person. Sure, that one doesn't have a new skin temperature

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and electro-dermal sensor, but Georgie assures me that's coming next year.

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He never lies. As for the phones, defying the long-term

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bigger is better trend, the Pixel 8 will be slightly smaller than its predecessor

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with a 6.2 inch 120 Hertz version of what Google is calling the Actua display,

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because it displays what the world actually looks like.

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It's actually pretty great. The 8 Pro, on the other hand,

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will have a super Actua display.

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Now, it's Italian, with a peak brightness of 2,400 nits

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to the eight non-pros 2,000 nits.

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Both phones come with a new Tensor G3 chip with extra AI horsepower,

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and both will see overall improvements to their cameras.

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Of course, another thing both phones have in common is a significant price bump of $100

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over the Pixel 7 and 7 Pro, shifting them to a starting price of $700

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and $1,000, respectively. But that's fine,

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because you'll now have seven years of software updates to stave off four stops of lessons.

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And there's the new temperature sensor on the 8 Pro,

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so you can save 30 bucks on a meter-mometer and shove your $1,000 phone

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two inches deep in a pot roast instead. Worth it!

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Take that, food poisoning. Honestly, changed my life.

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Of course, it's still the year of our soon-to-be AI Overlord 2023,

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so Google announced a slew of generative AI-powered features

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in Android 14, as well as boring non-AI features

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that won't hallucinate insane nonsense, like lock screen customization,

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expanded PASCY support, and the Health Connect app.

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Those are available right now for Pixel owners, starting from the 4A and onwards,

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but Pixel 8 owners will get some extra AI goodies.

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Best Take lets you pick the best faces in a photo

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for each person, immediately making this the phone you need

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to get for your mom, ASAP. And Audio Magic Eraser removes annoying background noise

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after it's already annoyed you while you were recording it. And Zoom Enhance is a Pixel 8 Pro exclusive feature

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that will sharpen photos as you pinch to Zoom using generative AI,

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thanks to Google's foundation models running locally on the phone.

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But the big news is Google's announcement of Google Assistant with Bard,

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a multimodal generative AI that Pixel users

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will be able to invoke over any app to do stuff,

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like say, come up with a better name than Google Assistant with Bard.

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Call it Stacey or something, like. Google's still got some time for that.

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It's rolling out to early testers soon to do battle with the Meta AI Assistant.

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Frankly, I'm putting my money on Meta's team of celebrity all-stars.

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It's just like Space Jam. That's why they call him Mr. Beast. He's the captain of the monstars.

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Speaking of Meta, according to the Wall Street Journal, Meta is considering charging European users

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for ad-free versions of Facebook and Instagram.

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$10.50 a month for Facebook or Instagram

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or around $17 for both, what a deal.

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So price-sensitive users might have to decide between all those cool Insta filters

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and responding to all those requests from high school classmates who are now deep into MLMs.

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I don't need any Tupperware. Now to be clear, a fully ad-riddled free version

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of each Meta brand hellhole would still be available to users who agree to targeted ads.

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But this is just Meta's proposed workaround to these strict privacy rules

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recently instituted by the EU. Meta has apparently approached regulators with the plan,

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which it calls Subscription No Ads or SNA.

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I'm first not. Sounds like a rap album.

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And Meta hopes to begin the rollout within the next few months.

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It's not clear yet whether the EU will accept a proposal, they may ask for a cheaper alternative.

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But regardless, it might be time for privacy-conscious European users to consider

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whether they're okay with paying $200 a year for the hyper-addictive misery generators

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they currently get for free. But I like the little animation when I heart something.

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Quick bits are like a high five, except that I give you five and you give us views

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so we don't have to put one of our writers to sleep. I'm sending Jacob to a far-off state.

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I love so much room to roam. According to an internal memo obtained by Mac rumors,

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all first-gen Apple Watch models released in 2015

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have been added to Apple's Obsolete products list,

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meaning they will no longer be eligible for service or repairs from Apple's stores

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or its authorized service providers. Those Obsolete Series Zero devices

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include solid gold Apple Watches with 18-carat cases

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that Apple sold for $10,000 to $17,000

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and discontinued in 2016. On the software side,

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WatchOS 5 already dropped these watches back in 2018.

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I guess early adopter of this watch, Beyonce, is gonna have to get her watch fixed

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at a tiny bodega behind a laundromat just like the rest of us.

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She probably does that already. She's very down to earth. It's her mood forever.

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That's a reference to one of her songs. Bing Chat has been reportedly serving users

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with malware-tizing, ads that redirect users to phishing sites

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that attempt to trick them into installing malware. Microsoft introduced ads into Bing Chat back in March

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and online criminals quickly followed. This particular malware-tizing campaign,

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uncovered by Malwarebytes, appears to have originated with the hacking

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of an ad account belonging to a legitimate business, which was then used to launch malicious ads

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targeting system admins and lawyers. Remember, no matter where digital technology goes,

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malware follows, just like caterpillars and parasitic wasps.

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I'm missing the metaphor. The wasps follow the caterpillars.

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Oh, okay. And then they kill them and later eggs in them.

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Well, they don't kill them. They paralyze them and later eggs in them.

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Future Motion has announced a recall of all original OneWheel and OneWheel Plus

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electric skateboards in response to serious injuries

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and four deaths that occurred between 2019 and 2021.

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And I think I speak for everyone when I say, wow, those things are way safer than I thought they'd be.

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Regulators first made calls for a recall nearly a year ago,

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which Future Motion described as unjustified and alarmist.

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The company didn't explain what changed their minds, but they will be pushing firmware to later OneWheel models

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that adds a haptic buzz that alerts the rider

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that the vehicle is in an error state on low battery

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or needs to slow down. So now users will be aware there is some kind of problem

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well before they are flung faced first into a public fountain.

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The FCC has fined Dish Network for violating its anti-space debris policy

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in the first enforcement of this particular space crime.

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I believe the Martians once cited Neil Armstrong for speeding.

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While Dish needs to pay $150,000 and implement preventative measures,

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the offending junk satellite is still at risk

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of colliding with other spacecraft. That's like scolding a parent

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for letting their child play on the highway, but not removing the child.

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I mean, you can ensure their siblings won't become intimately familiar

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with the underside of a Chevy Tahoe, but they're already out there. That's where he's happiest.

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And researchers at the University of Maryland claim that there is currently no reliable watermarking

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for AI images following a study where they broke through watermarking system

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after watermarking system, like the lockpicking lawyer going through a rough divorce.

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There's layers to that metaphor. In many cases, removing a watermark from an image

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was as easy as adjusting the brightness or adding a little Gaussian blur.

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That's how you say it, right? Gaussian, Gaussian. Adding AI watermarks to human-created images

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and creating false positives was equally trivial.

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So, really, it's only a matter of time before someone tries to use all this stuff

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to reinvent NFTs and I am begging you, do not give them your money.

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Go away, Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon.

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Can you believe a robot made this?

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And I'm begging you to come back on Friday for another episode of TechLink.

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You'll be able to make your own NFT by playing the video and hitting print screen.