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Tech news is neither here nor there. It's in its own dimension, filled with magic smoke

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and giant heads like the ones from Easter Island, except they're all Tim Cook

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and they answer every question with, ha ha ha ha, no, no.

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Microsoft has backported AMD's branch prediction

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improvements for Zen 3, 4 and 5 CPUs

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to Windows 11 version 23H2,

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meaning that Ryzen users can download this new optional update

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rather than sitting by the window, sighing and waiting for version 24H2 to become available.

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24H2 is currently in release preview

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and reviewers report substantial performance improvements

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in several games. According to testing by Hardware Lux,

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some of the games, like Starfield, are seeing gains of 13 to 41%,

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depending on processor model, and others like Cyberpunk 2077

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saw gains anywhere from four to 61%.

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There were also some odd outliers like Control,

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which saw general improvements, but an odd 10% regression with the 7800X3D.

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Hardware unboxed likewise found a two to 4% improvement

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for Halo Infinite, but a 30 plus percent improvement for Gears 5.

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If this optional update is at all similar to the performance granted by the 24H2 preview build,

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it should bring real world performance closer to the benchmarks that AMD had to retract last week

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after reviewers were unable to replicate them. Source, I made it up.

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Meanwhile, MSI motherboards are incorporating AMD's update

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for Ryzen 5 9600X and Ryzen 7 9700X CPUs

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with a toggle in the BIOS that increases TDP

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from 65 to 105 watts, which promises to be around 13% faster.

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It's not downloading more RAM, but it's close enough.

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Both iFixit and JerryRigEverything performed tear downs of Google's upcoming Pixel 9 Pro XL

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to test the company's claims of a two-fold increase

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in durability. You can hit it with two hammers now, and it will still break.

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While the phone was indeed more durable over the past Pixel generation,

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it was also significantly more complicated to repair

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with plenty of hidden screws and fiddly brackets,

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the worst kind of bracket. It's like you're trying to get to second base

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with a robot who is also Jigsaw's daughter. Would you like to play a game with my robot daughter?

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What? iFixit's inspection hit a rocky start

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when their application of gentle heat and pressure to remove the device's screen

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caused a significant delamination, rendering half the display unusable.

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Though luckily for this generation, Google has implemented a dual entry design

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that allows the user to open the device from the back in order to replace the battery,

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meaning users will be able to avoid removing the comparatively fragile screen.

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While the Pro XL's double XL battery

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comes with a pair of deceptively handy-looking pull tabs,

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they were apparently just for show. Both iFixit and JerryRigEverything wound up

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resorting to isopropyl alcohol to dissolve the powerful glue

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and finally using a spudger to crowbar the battery out.

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It's just a prank. You know things get real when the spudger gets involved.

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JerryRigEverything further pointed out that all of the tiny screws were different sizes,

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adding unneeded complexity and creating a devious trap

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for absent-minded repair technicians with hay fever.

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Don't sneeze or it's all over. Gotcha, you got punked.

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An audit performed by the US Department of Justice's

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Office of the Inspector General has found serious flaws in how the FBI stores,

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tracks and disposes of electronic storage media

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containing sensitive and classified information like national security documents and my sixth-grade diary.

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You know they have it. We're in Canada, but they're very thorough.

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According to the OIG's report, the FBI doesn't do enough to track

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internal hard drives and thumb drives, increasing the risk of loss or theft.

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The organization also failed to consistently label these drives with the appropriate classification levels,

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which could lead to employees getting a little too casual with top-secret documents.

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Likewise, facilities holding electronic media to be destroyed and disposed of

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were found to be insufficiently secured to the point of being monitored

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by non-functional security cameras. That's why they weren't, they're not being monitored.

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It's about the threat. The FBI has acknowledged the findings

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and outlined a few potential solutions, such as putting the drives in cages

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and using security cameras that work. The quick bits also live in the tech news dimension.

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You know, they fly around in there, which is why you do wanna keep your head down.

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They will sting you. They poop everywhere.

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SpaceX has delayed the launch of the Polaris Dawn mission,

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which is being funded and crewed by billionaire Jason Isaacman.

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Isaacman is perhaps the fourth billionaire to take an unreasonable interest in space.

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If it happens one more time, I can fill out my punch card and get a free sub.

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I can just take all my money up there and then it'll just be me and my money.

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It'll be perfect. The Polaris Dawn mission will be the farthest crewed space flight in 50 years.

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What's a few more days? In more unfortunate SpaceX news,

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one of their Falcon 9 rockets tipped over

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and fell into the ocean today. Oh, oh no, oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

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In the rocket's defense, it had completed 23 successful flights,

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but deserved a beach day. We're out here supporting the Falcon rockets.

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You guys work hard. I wanna see the Falcon 9 rockets unionized.

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Signs of upcoming AMD hardware has been spotted online.

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BenchLeaks tweeted some geek bench results for a system with a device ID of GFX 1201,

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which was previously associated with Navi 48,

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a GPU that will power at least one Radeon RX 8000 series graphics card.

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Hopefully the RX 8600 because these results

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place it between the 7700 XT and 7800 XT.

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But you're a handheld gamer now. You don't care about desktop GPUs.

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You want me to move on to this 96 core Zen 5 based

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Ryzen Threadripper CPU, spotted in a shipping manifest.

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Looks cool. I don't know when it's coming. And also I don't know why you would care more about that.

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You can't install that in your handheld either. You're a quirky one.

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We're gonna figure you out though. Gannet, the largest newspaper publisher in the US,

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has decided to shut down its USA Today product review website, Reviewed,

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blaming changes to Google's algorithm affecting search traffic.

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So far, so normal sadly, but it's notable that the site's own unionized staff

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accused Gannet of using it to publish AI written articles

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just last October. Suspicions were raised not just by the article's

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strange stilted writing, but also by the fact that several articles

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were structured near identically to one another.

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Further, the authors cited in the bylines seemed to have no other traceable web presence,

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making them either AI fabrications or privacy conscious ghosts

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with a passion for consumer journalism. I know which one I prefer.

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They just left us too soon. They had unfinished business. For some spooky reporting.

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Researchers from Google and Tel Aviv University have revealed Game Engine.

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Oh, I get it. An AI model that can act as a game engine.

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This was demonstrated by its ability to interactively generate 1993's doom in real time,

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using techniques similar to stable diffusion.

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Game Engine can apparently run quotes,

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doom at over 20 FPS using a single tensor processing unit.

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And human testers were only able to distinguish genuine clips lasting a few seconds

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from these generated clips around 60% of the time.

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Now, does this mean that we are essentially forcing a computer to hallucinate demons?

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Yes, you truly can run doom on everything.

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And the world's first online accessible bio processor

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is now available to almost anyone. Final Spark's Neuro Platform is a service

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that allows remote access to 16 human brain organoids.

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Basically little meatballs made from brain cells.

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Since we last reported on this in May, Final Spark has now opened up paid 24 seven access

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to their weird wet wear. For academic customers, it costs $500 per month,

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while industrial users can get a quote for access to a sin against nature.

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I'm joking here, brain organoids like this have been used in robotics research

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and are also helping search for a cure for Parkinson's disease.

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It's a welcome redemption arc for meatballs, which are mostly known for causing heart disease.

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It's $600 a month if you want it with oregano. Just don't ask them if they're alive.

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And we're known to give you more tech news. If you come back on Friday, that is.

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It's like training your very own human brain bio processor,

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except it's free and also it's your brain.