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Our tech news is gluten-free and organic, but it's far from cruelty-free.

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We've been keeping a clone of Mark Zuckerberg in a cage under the studio for study.

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We just pad the wall so you can't hear him trying to be relatable. Two new mysterious Intel GPUs have been spotted

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on the SciSoft benchmark database, and enthusiasts are speculating they might be a part

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of Intel's upcoming Battle Mage lineup of gaming graphics cards.

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The listing was spotted by Michael on Twitter,

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you know, Michael, who implied that these chips may be more in the mid or budget range,

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given that there are eight megabytes of L2 cache and core counts of 20 and 24 Z cores, respectively,

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are pretty low compared to Intel's existing Alchemist GPUs.

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However, both of the alleged Battle Mages feature about 12 gigabytes of VRAM,

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a configuration not shared by any existing Intel gaming card.

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But if the leaked performance numbers are to be believed, what Battle Mage does share with Alchemist

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is underdog syndrome, because both of the leaked GPUs performed

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significantly worse than both the Arc A770 and A750.

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But they kinda had to. How else are they going to generate headlines like new Intel driver brings 120% performance boost

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in Octodad? Back at CES 2024, Intel's Tom Peterson said

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most of the Arc GPU team had already moved on to the next generation, code named Celestial,

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with about 30% of the team fine-tuning Battle Mage, so it's all ready to launch in Q2 2024.

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That's this year. Unfortunately, we have no idea what he actually meant by that,

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due to the fact that Intel apparently made up their own language in which some dates translate

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to other dates that are eight months later. Florida has officially passed a law

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banning children under 14 from having social media accounts

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and requiring 14 and 15 year olds to have prevental consent before joining.

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The ban isn't guaranteed to go into effect. Similar laws have been passed in Utah and Arkansas

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requiring parental permission for anyone under 18 to access social media,

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but these have been met with significant legal challenges.

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That's not just because there's a lot of corporate money riding on this issue, but also because requiring users

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to provide official documents for age verification in order to access Facebook is arguably

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a pretty substantial burden on their First Amendment right to freedom of assembly and speech.

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Florida legislators hope to avoid some of these hurdles

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by focusing on the addictive features endemic to social media platforms

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rather than the content that they contain. Children are vulnerable and there's a strong argument

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that social media is harmful to them. I mean, just look at what it's doing to their parents.

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Gangs of moms roaming the streets, they've been radicalized.

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That's only partially a joke. The new law also contains language

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that would require similar age verification systems for accessing adult websites,

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something which numerous other states have already done and which has been criticized by entities like

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who else, Pornhub, for potentially pushing users

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to sketchier and sketchier sites rather than actually preventing children

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from accessing pornography. It's unclear, however, if the same principle applies

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to social media, whether 12-year-olds who can't participate in the latest TikTok trend will simply turn

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to obscure underground social media rings

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just to get their fix. Yeah, like Twitter. Speaking of Snapchat, according to recently unsealed

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documents between 2016 and 2019, Facebook had a secret program called Project Ghostbusters

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where it spied on network traffic from Snapchat.

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And later, Amazon and YouTube. The documents were revealed as part of the discovery phase

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in a California class action lawsuit, accusing Meta of using deceptive practices

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to collect user information. Back in 2016, Facebook was apparently looking

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to get an advantage over its competition by studying how users interacted with rival companies.

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Of course, those companies used encryption, which was very inconsiderate of them.

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So instead, Facebook got its VPN-like subsidiary,

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Onavo, to create a wiretapping tool for Android and iOS

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that could be used to intercept and decrypt data from certain sub-domains.

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You know, totally cool stuff. Is this malware?

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I need somebody to tell me if this is malware. To quote Pedro Canahuati, Facebook's then head

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of security engineering, I can't think of a good argument for why this is okay.

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Onavo, incidentally, shut down in 2019,

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after it was uncovered that they were secretly paying teenagers to use the service

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in order to spy on them.

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And Meta thought that rebrand worked, eh?

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Yes, we spied on teenagers, but we paid them. Meta did not respond to requests for comment

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as at press time, Mark Zuckerberg was busy emailing employees in Google's AI division,

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asking them if they wanna be his friends instead. We give him Wi-Fi access.

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Oh, wait, no, we have a clone. It's not the real one. I didn't wanna say this in front of the quick bits,

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but during the sponsor break, the Zucker clone ate Linus.

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Google has officially released a native version of Chrome

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for ARM-based Windows PCs, two months after an early version was spotted

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in Chrome's experimental Canary channel. The release comes ahead of this summer's expected release

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of Microsoft Surface devices powered by Qualcomm's much anticipated Snapdragon X Elite chips

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or so the rumors go. Now, users of ARM-powered Windows devices

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like the Surface Pro X can also experience the speed

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of Google's browser and the ensuing pop-ups begging them to use Bing.

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TinyCorp has decided to make both AMD

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and NVIDIA versions of its TinyBox AI server.

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The company initially wanted to exclusively use AMD's Radeon RX 7900 XTX, criticizing NVIDIA's price

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and the closed source nature of CUDA. But after running into multiple driver and firmware issues

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using AMD's cards, TinyCorp are now also selling

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Team Green TinyBoxes. You can save 10 grand by going with the AMD version though,

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provided you quote, like to tinker and feel pain.

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Finally, a win for masochists. The exact opposite of what masochists want.

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Oh, they hate this, but they love it. Ah, it's perfect.

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A judge has ruled that the SEC can proceed in its lawsuit against crypto exchange Coinbase

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for allegedly trading in the unregistered sale of financial securities.

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Though in this case, the allegedly is less about whether

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or not the crypto that Coinbase sells is unregistered

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and more about whether or not crypto is a type of financial security and thus subject to SEC regulation.

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Coinbase's chief legal officer, Paul Grewal, has stated that the company will continue

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to fight the SEC in court and that they are confident in their legal arguments.

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Arguments such as these aren't securities because the buyer doesn't gain any rights

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like they do when they buy stocks. And cryptocurrencies are just collectibles,

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like beanie babies. I think people used to call those investments too.

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Canva Inc. has acquired the Affinity Design Suite,

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which is a lot like Adobe, if Adobe wasn't an overpriced subscription con job.

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Okay, it's true. Since its release, Affinity has offered

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perpetual licenses to customers under the crazy belief

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that people should own what they pay for. What are you talking about?

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But the buyout from Canva has some users afraid the software will switch

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to an Adobe-like subscription model. Canva has since pledged that perpetual licenses

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for Affinity will always be offered. And you can trust them because no company,

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not a single one, has ever broken a promise they've made in the past.

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Go ahead, name 100,000.

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And Amazon released reports detailing its fight

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against counterfeit products, which had the perhaps unintended consequence

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of also revealing just how bad the site's counterfeiting problem really is.

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According to Amazon, they blocked over 700,000

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suspicious attempts to create seller accounts and identified over 7 million counterfeit products last year,

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up from 2 million in 2020. As part of these efforts,

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Amazon has partnered with brands and law enforcement,

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both foreign and domestic. It's honestly even got me nervous.

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Even my lucrative side hustle in gookie handbags

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and lala lemon leggings. They just go with my style.

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I mean, they're... You're so gookie. Oh, you are a gookie guy.

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And you should side hustle on back this Friday

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for more tech news. Now come quick or it'll get cold.

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The zucker clothe is escaped. No!

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He's still hungry. Okay, nice job guys.

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Can we just... Oh my God. What the...