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Every company in Silicon Valley says they're making the world a better place.

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We're not gonna do that. We're just gonna tell you what those companies actually did this week,

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which is usually much worse. Okay, tech news time. Google Research published a blog post this week

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on TurboQuant, a compression algorithm

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that shrinks an AI model's working memory by six times

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with zero accuracy loss, leading people to ask.

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Is the memory crisis over? Can we buy RAM yet?

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Well, we're here to give you a definitive, maybe?

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You see, TurboQuant targets the key value cache.

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Basically, when you chat with an AI, it keeps a running record of your conversation

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so it doesn't lose context. As a result, that cache eats more GPU memory

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the longer you talk, and you talk for a long time,

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making it one of the biggest bottlenecks in running these models at scale.

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Most existing compression methods carry memory overhead,

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which decreases their efficiency. But TurboQuant eliminates that through circle math.

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Is this real? Yeah, you said to simplify it, right?

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They use circle math, leading to up to an eight-time speedup

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on NVIDIA H100 GPUs. The underlying research is actually about a year old,

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but it's getting attention now ahead of its presentation at ICLR 2026.

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The news sent finance bros into a tailspin, and memory stocks like Micron and Sandisk

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tumbled in response. However, analysts say this is likely

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another deep-seek moment, where the release of a cheaper AI model back in 2025

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caused a trillion-dollar market panic before everyone realized that cheaper AI

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just means more people using AI.

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Sandisk's CFO told Bank of America analysts

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that he expects the improved efficiency will boost demand by making AI deployments cheaper.

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So if you were holding your breath, hoping that this killed the memory crunch,

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maybe hold your breath a little less hard, stop, stop holding your breath, you're dead, you're gone.

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Breathe, please live. Apple has officially confirmed

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they are discontinuing the Mac Pro, with no plans for future hardware.

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The company quietly pulled the former king of Macs

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from its website yesterday, where the buy page now just redirects to the Mac homepage.

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Kind of like how your landlord changes the locks while you're at work all the time.

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The iconic cheese grater design debuted in 2019

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after the thermal disaster of the Trashcan era.

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Well, I liked it. But Apple only ever gave it one Silicon update,

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the M2 Ultra in 2023, before leaving it to collect dust

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at its $7,000 starting price, or collect trash.

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The Mac Studio, which already has the newer M3 Ultra

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for $5,000 less, is now Apple's top-end desktop,

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with an M5 Ultra refresh expected later this year.

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Also gone is the infamous $700 wheel kit.

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No, the $300 feet kit. Oh, wow.

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And as of earlier this month, the older Pro display XDR and its $1,000 stand.

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Apple is clearly Marie condoing everything

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from the 2019 Pro launch, but how am I supposed to grate

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my incredibly expensive mature Coolia cheese

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while rendering on Silicon that's three generations out of date now?

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You didn't think of that, Apple, did you? Oh gosh, I'm sorry, Riley.

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I'll make something else screamingly expensive for you.

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Thank you, Tim Cook. God. AMD has announced the Ryzen 9 9950X3D2 dual edition.

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And yes, that is a real product name. It's the world's first desktop CPU

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with 3D vCash stacked on both chiplets,

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meaning it packs a staggering 208 megabytes

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of total on-chip cash across its 16 Zen 5 cores.

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That's enough cash to make it feel at home in the vault of the Bellagio in Ocean's 11.

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And you don't even need to squeeze an ordinary gymnast into a room service card to access it.

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AMD is pitching this less as a gaming chip and more as a productivity monster

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for game devs and creators with five to 10% gains

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over the already beastly 9950X3D, no to,

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in tools like Blender, DaVinci Resolve and Unreal Engine.

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Notably, AMD didn't share a single gaming benchmark,

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which really tells you where they think this thing shines.

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The trade-off though, a 200 watt TDP,

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the highest of any AM5 chip and a boost clock that actually dropped 100 megahertz.

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No price yet, but it launches April 22nd. Oh, and both AMD and Intel are raising CPU prices up to 15%

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thanks to the whole global supply crunch fiasco. So, game devs can breathe a sigh of relief

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knowing they won't have to optimize their games or their budgets.

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At least you can get a deal with our sponsor. Much like Erlich Bachman's incubator,

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we have crammed way too many quick bits under one roof

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and are hoping nobody asks any follow-up questions. A new revision of the RCS messaging standard

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has been finalized and it's a big one. RCS Universal Profile 4.0 adds native video calling

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right inside your messaging app, including group calls with up to 32 people.

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If you can convince 32 people to use the same messaging app as you.

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It also brings smarter media sharing, letting devices figure out which formats

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the other person supports, as well as rich text formatting,

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like bold, italics, and strike through, finally. We'll have to wait for tech companies

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to add these features to their default texting apps, but it's still cool.

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So while the cost of living might be skyrocketing, you'll at least be rich in text.

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Hmm. Apple just handed over the real identity

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of the user behind one of its iCloud hide my email aliases to the FBI.

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After a man named Alden Rumel used an aliased email address

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to send violent threats to FBI Director Kash Patel's girlfriend.

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Two horrible things. This kind of compliance might seem uncharacteristic

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for Apple, who famously blocked the government from breaking into the iPhone owned by a suspected terrorist.

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But unlike their device level encryption, alias to account mapping is stored on Apple servers,

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and as a result, can be subpoenaed. The hits keep coming for Patel, though,

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as Iranian hacker group, Handila, breached Patel's personal Gmail account

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and posted some of his most cringe vacation photos

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on Telegram. Oof! Handila did him dirty here.

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The vibe of these is less international man of mystery

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and more high school jazz band study abroad trip.

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It's an important experience. Sony is hiking PS5 prices across the board

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for the second time in less than a year, starting on April 2nd.

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The PlayStation portal handheld jumps up $50.

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The standard PS5 and digital edition both jump up $100,

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and the PS5 Pro climbs a cool 150

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all the way up to $900 for a console.

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Sony blamed continued pressures in the global economic landscape, which is fair.

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Lucky for us, though, Sony has decided to bravely pass those costs onto their consumers.

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They got mouse to feed. We, you know, we will survive.

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Wikipedia has officially banned the use of AI to generate or rewrite articles

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with editors voting overwhelmingly in favor of the new policy.

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LLM generated text was found to regularly violate the site's core context rules

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around verifiability and sourcing, which, yeah, hallucinations will do that.

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Editors can still use AI for basic copy editing

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and translation assistance, but only with human review.

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So maybe your middle school teacher was right all along. That's one for you, Madam Ruzel,

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but I should still be allowed to chew gum in class, so I still don't like you.

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And a delivery robot made by Serv Robotics

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has smashed through the glass wall of a bus stop shelter in Chicago

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before sheepishly blinking and then shambling away,

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shamefully. The footage, which is hilarious,

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went viral on social media and it comes amid growing backlash

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against delivery robots in the city. According to the Chicago Sun Times,

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a separate Coco Robotics bot smashed into yet another bus shelter that same week,

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making the successful delivery to smashed bus stop ratio

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lower than residents would hope. It's not what we're going for.

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Just like I hope to see you back here on Monday for more tech news.

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I'll be here next week pretending I understand what half these companies actually do,

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which as far as I can tell, is something to do with something called

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middle out compression? I don't know. Anyway, see you then.