WEBVTT

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Sometimes you choose the tech news, and sometimes the tech news barges into your room

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and throws you in an unmarked SUV, and today was the second one for me.

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Apple finally addressed the question of what its compliance with the EU's

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Digital Markets Act rules will look like, and the answer is malicious.

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I was hoping it would be delicious, but we didn't, close. I mean, it sounds good at first.

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Apple announced that iOS will support third-party app stores,

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they call them marketplaces, as well as third-party payment systems

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and browser engines other than WebKit, so you can actually use a browser

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that isn't just Safari covered in chrome spray paint.

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But then you realize these delicious treats are only coming to the EU

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because they're actually really dangerous, and you're not sure you want them anymore anyways

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because you think you saw Apple spit on them before handing them out.

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Alternative app marketplaces must be authorized by Apple,

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and all the apps that they host must be notarized,

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a perfectly dystopian-sounding Apple-ism for reviewed by bots and humans.

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Prepare to be notarized. While many are repeating claims that iOS will support

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side-loading, installing standalone app packages

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outside of any app store, like you can do on Android, Windows, Linux, and macOS,

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it won't support that, and it only gets wilder.

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In order for developers to distribute their apps on alternative app marketplaces

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or even use third-party payment processes,

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they need to accept the new business terms.

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This is the new business now, get used to it. That includes paying a lower 10% cut of the app store revenue

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or 17% for digital goods and services, plus an extra 3% to use Apple's own payment system,

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which will also spare users from the pop-up warning them

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that they may be about to hand over their savings to a Nigerian prince if they don't use the right one.

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But the new terms also include Apple's own version

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of Unity's scandalous per install fee from last year.

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Once an app hits 1 million installs, its devs will have to pay a core technology fee, or CTF,

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of 50 Euro cents for every new user who installs it annually,

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as in the app can be reinstalled by the same user for no charge for 12 months.

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For some devs, this could see Apple taking something like a 60% cut of their app revenue.

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Now, if you think crossing your fingers and hoping that your app doesn't get too popular

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sounds kind of stressful, developers can always stick with the current business terms

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and swear off the cool new stuff. They could also target iPadOS,

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where first installs won't trigger the CTF, apparently.

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Developers of app marketplaces, however, will have to pay the CTF every time

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the marketplace app is installed, including the first million.

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They'll also have to get a letter of credit from an A-rated financial institution of a million euros.

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Altogether, the deal doesn't sound too good, and in their explainers, Apple is making it clear

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that's by design. The company explained that it's only making the new features

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available in the EU because they're actually super dangerous,

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and in the EU, they can take that. We're soft and vulnerable.

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I mean, the app store's harsh protections blocked $2 billion worth of fraudulent transactions in 2022,

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the same amount that Google blocked in the same year

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on the far less restrictive Play Store. But there's way more Android phones in the world,

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and they're way harder to use for babies.

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The argument's confusing. But Apple did announce one thing that appears

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to be just straight up good news. Game streaming platforms like NVIDIA's GeForce Now

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and Xbox Cloud Gaming can now submit a single iOS app

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with the capability to stream their entire library of games.

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Which is, again, how things already worked on other operating systems,

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but not on the minimalist Fisher price of phone OSes.

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Your minimalist baby will love it. Apple previously wanted NVIDIA and Microsoft

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to create an app store listing for every individual game in their streaming catalogs,

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a request the two tech giants responded to with, brrrr, brrrr.

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Interestingly, GeForce Now was the only way to play Fortnite on iOS since Epic Games

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removed it in 2020 when it started its whole app store mud fight with Apple.

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But now that iOS will support third-party app stores, Epic Games plans to finally launch

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the Epic Games Store and Fortnite on iPhone.

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Even though Epic boss Tim Sweeney thinks the new rules are, quote, hot garbage.

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Whether they actually go through with that launch also depends on whether Apple authorizes

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their upcoming app marketplace. Which I have a feeling is somewhat unlikely

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as long as Sweeney keeps characterizing Apple's announcements as a, quote, horror show.

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Tim Cook expects some level of decorum here.

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I do not suffer impudence from whinging vermin.

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GARGE! Okay, I think all the Apple news has left by now.

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I think we can do the quick bits. Oh God! There's one more in the corner.

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It's standing there the whole time. You know that's kind of creepy, right?

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I'm still here. Users of Beeper Cloud, the service that lets you

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route iMessages to your Android phone through your Mac computer, reported earlier this week

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that Apple was blocking them from using iMessage

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even on their Macs, which were flagged for spam.

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Because while Apple values the user experience above all,

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their other core tenant is, naughty children must be punished.

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After the New York Times reported on the issue and reached out to Apple, Apple did not respond

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to the New York Times, but suddenly started unbanning these users.

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For now, Beeper has disabled Beeper Cloud functionality anyways,

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while they apparently try to find yet another workaround.

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I don't know, if Apple's compliance with the DMA is any indication, you might just have to get

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your mom an iPhone. I just, thousands of users reported

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that Microsoft Teams was down today, including many users from our own office,

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tragically blocking us from posting in the company-wide short joke group chat

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that is our comm system. Like a Kevlar out.

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I swear we're a real company. Down Detector reported nearly 15,000 outages

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as of noon Pacific time. Microsoft gave a vague statement on Twitter,

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acknowledging the problem and blaming it on a non-specific networking issue.

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Rats got into the pipes. Notably, this outage comes less than a week

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after Microsoft disclosed an attack from a Russian-sponsored hacker

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and underrated my little pony character, Midnight Blizzard.

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They shelved him in the first season.

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He was just not, it's a boy. Florida's House of Representatives has passed a bill

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that, if passed by the Senate and then signed by the governor, will ban children under 16

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from social media platforms that track users' activity

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and use that information to provide targeted content.

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A primary concern is social media's potentially addictive nature,

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with one state representative comparing it to a kind of digital fentanyl.

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The bill has excluded platforms mainly used for messaging,

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non-user-generated entertainment, and professional networks.

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So, if you're 14 in Florida, maybe now's the time to become a LinkedIn influencer.

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It's gonna be the hot new thing. Business!

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Google has released a research paper and a demo video for Lumiere,

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something they're calling a space-time diffusion model,

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which sounds like a teleporter that turns users into a fine mist,

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but is actually an impressive text to video and image to video generation tool.

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The output is surprisingly realistic and smooth compared to past attempts at AI video generation.

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And just look at all these animals with the correct number of eyes and limbs.

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Wow! And these raccoons reading hovering books.

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Try it out, be our guest. Lumiere even has the ability to take the style

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from a reference image and incorporate it in a new video, as well as alter existing footage.

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Like this horrifying woman flower homunculus.

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The future is bright. And Meta's Reality Labs has created a way

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of allowing VR users, as well as virtual characters and experiences,

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to appear to manipulate real-world objects.

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They demonstrated this concept in a video where a, thankfully, fake,

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hideous monkey peanut monster thing grabs a very real drink cart

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and throws it down the stairs before escaping justice by taking the elevator.

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The user in that scenario was moving real slow. They could've got it.

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Now in reality, the VR program creates a virtual double of the object

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and simultaneously erases the original from sight.

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It's super cool, though it feels like maybe they should be working on other things,

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like how to get the Quest 3's pass-through mode to work on a plane,

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or even when you just decide to stand up or go downstairs.

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The Vision Pro can do it, Meta. Honestly though, check the video out for yourself.

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Just be prepared for the nude minions streaking through the frame at three minutes and 45 seconds.

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I just, if you're not into that, maybe avoid. And don't break your streak.

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Come back on Monday for more tech nudes. No, I'm sorry, not nudes, not nudes, no.