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Nintendo finally revealed many of the Switch 2's mediest details this morning,

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and so far, gamers don't really know what to think

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with reactions ranging from, whoa, cool, to, wait, what?

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It felt good to finally hear numbers and words,

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like 7.9 inch, 1080p, 120 Hertz LCD display,

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4K output while docked, only fans could make that happen.

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There's one in the dock, and it was kind of surreal

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to finally see Nintendo confirm those outlandish rumors

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about the new Joy-Cons being used as a mouse.

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Not only can you 360 no scope in Metroid Prime 4,

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in some games, you can dual-wheeled mice,

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like some kind of gamer god, the blessed offspring of Lord Gaben himself.

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Goombas tremble and weep at your coming. If you're more of a normal controller person, though,

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the new Switch 2 Pro controller has rear buttons.

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Just give them a little tickle. Then things got even more interesting.

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The new game chat feature brings Nintendo's party chat technology into the 21st century,

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specifically the 2010s. Nintendo's essentially invented discord calls

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for the Switch 2. You can chat directly with your party using the mic on the actual console, okay?

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Whether you're playing the same game or a different one, you can stream your gameplay at a cinematic frame rate

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and even use the new Switch 2 camera to add in your face.

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Then there's Game Share, which is exactly what the rumor said it was.

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The Switch 2 can host a local multiplayer session between other Switch 2 or previous Switch 1 consoles,

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even if they don't own a copy of the game. While I've seen some PC, Xbox and PS5 players

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being kind of dismissive of these features, since they seem to largely just be worse versions

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of the features those players have, you know who doesn't have them?

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Your grandma. Perhaps because she passed some time ago,

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but the point Nintendo's reinvention of existing things

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doesn't stop there, though. While many Switch 2 games will be available

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on physical game cards, some will simply have Game Key cards,

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which will give your system a Game Key

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it can use to download a game?

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No, it's very disorienting, stay with me. The idea makes sense, especially now that the Switch 2 comes with 256 gigs

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of storage, which you're gonna be filling up with hot new Switch 2 games,

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like Switch 2 Welcome Tour, a tutorial app

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that is not free. There's also Mario Kart, there's also a new Mario Kart,

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Mario Kart World, which finally lets the racers loose in an open world,

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injecting a bit of Diddy Kong Racing, eh?

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You shouldn't have said that. Hey, look, you can be a cow. Frankly, I'm more excited for Donkey Kong Bonanza,

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the character's first proper 3D adventure since Donkey Kong 64,

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the game that gave us the DK rap.

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Why am I doing this to myself? I'm 22 years old. We also got a new Zelda game?

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It's Hyrule Warriors. Okay, I'm sorry.

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I'm more interested in Drag X Drive, a flashy wheelchair basketball game

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that makes use of the dual-wielding mice thing, but is apparently not hosted by RuPaul.

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But in a sentence, I found even more unlikely to be said during a TechLinked from software

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made a Switch 2 exclusive multiplayer game.

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It's called Dusk Bloods, featuring characters that are like vampires,

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but they can only come outside after dusk.

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I made that up, I know nothing about the game. The Switch 2 is also getting a healthy assortment

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of ports, including Elden Ring Tarnished Edition and Cyberpunk 2077 Ultimate Edition.

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And then, to give your system a bit of a break, you can play the GameCube games

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added to the more expensive tier of Nintendo Switch Online.

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Speaking of older games, turns out backwards compatibility is kinda complicated.

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There's Switch 2 Edition games, which are Switch 1 games that have been updated,

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optimized, and added 2 to ensure compatibility,

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which isn't a given. Nintendo says most Switch 1 games should run fine,

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but some games currently have issues after starting up,

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or even during startup, as detailed by Nintendo in this helpful table,

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featuring an entire column that says the same thing

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all the way down except for the Fortnite entry. You coulda left that column out completely!

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This is what I'm mad about! Others are, rightly, disappointed

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that the Switch 2 will cost 450 US dollars

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when it launches on June 5th. In Canada, it'll be 630!

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Well, at least Japan will get a Japanese-only version for around 333 USD.

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And Nintendo seems serious about preventing scalping this time around.

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Not only will that version only be able to link a Nintendo account

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that was created with Japan as the region setting,

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pre-orders for any version of the Switch 2 will be limited to Nintendo accounts

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that have demonstrated sufficient loyalty to the Mushroom Kingdom.

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The requirements appear to differ between countries, but at a minimum,

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you'll have to have paid for a Switch Online membership for a year, played Switch games for 50 hours,

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and opted in to share your usage data with Nintendo.

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Now, I can already hear the heavy breathing and imagine the nostrils flaring,

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but hey, this is just for pre-orders.

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Anyone can buy one when it launches.

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And scalpers are crazy now. I think it's time for drastic measures.

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I mean, this will be more effective than Amazon boldly limiting GPU purchases

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to Prime subscribers. Yeah, that'll stop them.

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Okay, I'm doing less quick bits because the Switch 2 story took way too freaking long.

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I mean, we all wanna go home, I think, right?

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I'm like, enough! The Switch 2 ain't the only console handheld

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rolling into town. ASUS and Xbox have performed some decidedly unsubtle teasing

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of what is probably the Project Canon device

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whose existence was leaked recently. Another leak this week points to the existence

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of a specialized Windows UI that involves booting into full screen mode,

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presumably an Xbox themed one at launch,

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which is further proof that the idea of a console is becoming just a PC.

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In the same way that many animals throughout evolutionary history have simply become crap.

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AMD has responded to all those reports of dead or otherwise borked Ryzen 7 9800 X3D CPUs.

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In a statement released to press, Team Red basically agreed with Asrock's unsatisfying update

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confirming a glitchy BIOS caused some startup issues,

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but it's not causing CPUs to burn out. And even if it was, the BIOS has been updated now anyway.

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Meanwhile, there's still this Reddit mega thread with over a hundred Ryzen chip owners reporting issues,

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mostly on Asrock boards. Sometimes you don't get a satisfying conclusion.

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And the Wikimedia Foundation says AI crawler bots

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are straining their servers as they contribute to a 50% increase in downloads of multimedia content

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since January 2024. Wikimedia says although AI crawlers only account

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for 35% of traffic overall, they're responsible for 65% of a heavier type of traffic

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called bulk reading, involving rapidly visiting large number of pages,

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including less popular ones. Not sure if killing Wikipedia

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has been part of the AI safety conversation yet.

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I can't wait to have future historians analyze the humans of this era's decision

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to trade their single greatest repository of open information in exchange for chatbots

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that can improvise what they think sounds like a good answer.

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Rocks are healthy to eat.

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Yeah, that sounds right. And I had more to say, but we're literally out of time.

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Tell you what, come back on Friday and I'll give you another tech news update.

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As long as Nintendo doesn't decide to force me to talk about them so much again, that was pretty rude.