Shall I compare thee to the tech news? Or is that not appropriate because you're a person and not an abstract concept?
You're both? Wow, I mean, they're happy for you.
Microsoft plans to restart a nuclear power plant to feed its incredibly power-hungry AI data centers.
The plant in question is the Three Mile Island facility in Pennsylvania,
which is the subject of a Netflix documentary because it underwent a partial meltdown back in 1979
in the worst nuclear power accident in US history.
On the one hand, it seems kind of dangerous. On the other hand, co-pilot keeps saying it's hungry and we still don't know what it eats.
Okay, it's not actually nearly as bad as it sounds. Firstly, because the meltdown happened in TMI Unit 2,
which has been in the decommissioning process since 1979 and is mostly cleaned up already.
TMI Unit 1 is an independent facility that wasn't impacted by the accident
but was retired for economic reasons in 2019.
That's the facility that will be rebooted by Microsoft's partner Constellation Energy
as the Crane Clean Energy Center because the massive amounts of power required to run AI
are leading tech giants to seek out clean sources of energy.
The fact is that meltdowns are extremely rare. We've learned a lot about how to stop them.
And the only waste nuclear power plants create is water vapor
and a tiny amount of radioactive material. Because if we're going to screw up society by creating an AI slot-powered dystopia,
we might as well not screw up the planet doing so. I just hope the Three Mile Island plant doesn't need pieces like the control panel
that's being removed for the sake of historical preservation. I hope this new plant on the Three Mile Island doesn't interfere with the salad dressing production.
Totally different island. Oh. Way more miles involved.
It's a salad dressing joke, guys. AMD is continuing tech's proud tradition of just being the worst at naming things.
AMD plans to take its Hawk Point laptop chips,
which launched as the Ryzen 8040 series earlier this year,
and rebadged them as the Ryzen 200 series,
according to a Weibo post from a so-far-reliable leaker named Golden Pig Upgrade.
This is an especially perplexing move coming after AMD already launched
the Ryzen AI 300 series of laptop chips.
But I guess having a product to confuse customers with, just before Intel launches their core 200 series processors,
is more important than adhering to traditional values of sequentialism.
Speaking of fun branding, Golden Pig Upgrade also posted details about AMD's upcoming high-performance laptop chips,
codenamed Strix Halo. These will be branded as Ryzen AI Max 300,
so named because they'll require one uranium rod's worth of power each to turn on.
That's just what it costs. Qualcomm was reportedly considering the idea of acquiring certain parts of Intel a couple weeks
ago, and according to the Wall Street Journal, Qualcomm actually approached Intel about a possible takeover.
The balls on these guys! I mean, Intel's been in a rough spot,
but they've recently laid out very specific plans for recovery,
and Qualcomm has been gunning for Intel's spot in mainstream laptops.
It's kind of like having your teenage brother ask you to be his Twitch mod
for a reasonable wage paid in Robux. Can I buy milk with that?
In game? Roblox milk?
It's also kind of intriguing because the day before the Journal's report,
Qualcomm announced plans to lay off 226 workers in California in the coming months,
after laying off 1200 less than a year ago.
Well, how else are you supposed to afford Pat Gelsinger? He takes a modest salary.
He's a million bajillion dollars. He's a good man.
He looks like it. Analysts speculate that the company's Snapdragon X series laptops
underperforming may have something to do with this. Meanwhile, early impressions of Intel's Lunar Lake laptops
indicate they'll match or exceed the performance and battery life of Qualcomm's competitors.
But Qualcomm wanted to shoot their shot. And hey, game recognized game.
I probably didn't use that correctly. I don't even know what the game refers to.
He's a rapper from California. They call me Riley the Kid, and I'm the quickest bit in the West.
None of that was accurate. They call you Riley the Rizzler.
Microsoft has launched the Windows app, which is a Windows app that runs Windows and Windows apps.
I promise I'm not having a stroke. The Windows app is likewise available for iOS, macOS, and web browsers
as a replacement for the Microsoft Remote Desktop app.
Much like its predecessor, the Windows app allows users to connect remotely to another computer, which is using Windows.
However, it also includes the option of connecting to a cloud-based Windows OS.
The app is currently in preview for Android, and you know what that means, the Windows phone is back.
So not really though, you can pretend. Apple has finally launched their Apple Intelligence features to the public, sort of.
The iOS 18.1 public beta is out.
But anyone can download it if they want and use the features,
or at least the features that are out. Now, many of the features won't be here until 2025.
But you can use the ones that are out now, as long as you have an iPhone 15 Pro or 15 Pro Max.
But that didn't stop Apple store geniuses from chanting AI at the iPhone launch.
In case you were wondering, my favorite replies to this tweet were,
Am I an occult? And just put the phone in the bag, man.
How excited are we? I just want, I just need a phone.
Sony is allegedly making two separate system on chips for the PlayStation 6 generation,
leading to some speculation that there might be a handheld somewhere.
The juice was squeezed by renowned leaker Kepler L2.
Kepler isn't sure if there will actually be a handheld, or if it'll be an Xbox Series X slash X2 console tier situation.
But the leaker believes one of them will be affordable.
Speaking of unaffordable, Sony has announced a highly limited PS5 Pro bundle,
featuring a PS1 colorway for the console's 30th anniversary.
And that's actually available for the normal PS5 as well. Unlike the normal PS5 Pro,
this bundle actually comes with a vertical stand and a matching $200 dual sense edge controller,
but still no disk drive. Why? Because f**k you.
Anker has put out a recall for three lithium-ion power banks
due to a manufacturing defect that may result in spontaneous combustion.
While only a small number of these power banks were affected,
batch manufactured between January 3rd and September 17th of this year,
Anker also had to recall another power bank, and their A3302 speakerphone back in June for similar fire-related reasons.
Check our news sources for the specific models,
and users are advised to put the power banks in a safe, non-flammable location,
and not to throw them away, unless you've got some kind of grudge against the garbage man.
And science is once again messing with forces it doesn't understand,
as researchers discovered that light may be able to leave a cloud of atoms
before it actually entered, said cloud.
Huh? These alleged scientists made a bunch of atoms really cold,
and then shot them with laser beams to excite them, and I don't like how sexy that sounds.
But even worse, they found that when the laser light is at certain frequencies,
atomic excitations can occur before the light enters the atomic cloud.
Apparently, this doesn't break any physical laws,
but that doesn't mean I like thinking about it, and not just because of all those sexed-up atoms.
Did you write this? I expected a lot more about the time-breaking-to-time space continuum.
No, sexy jokes. But you know what would be sexiest of all?
If you come back on Monday for more tech news, I won't bring it up again, though.
We can just pretend that this whole conversation didn't happen.
I'll just, okay? Don't make it weird.