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Octopuses may have three hearts, nine brains, and the ability to open up jars

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from the inside, but consider this. None of them watch tech news. So, could they

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really be that smart? Would they even know that China is apparently telling

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its top tech companies to refuse US investments unless they get explicit

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government approval? Insiders reportedly told Bloomberg that this move is part of

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a broader response to Meta's purchase of

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Chinese AI agent focused startup Manis with regulators citing national security

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as they move to block US stakes in sensitive sectors. But I mean, I guess

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it's not that bad. I mean, China doesn't really need US money anyway to keep

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making EVs that feel more like flashy nextgen tech products than cars, which I

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guess is probably why BYYD outsold Tesla globally last year. Then this week, tech

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giant Alibaba announced its Quen AI models are going to be integrated into a

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number of vehicles made by Chinese automakers like BYD, but then also SIC

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Volkswagen, the Chinese German joint venture. So, wait, I guess they're not

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against Western money in general. They just prefer their own tech oligarchs to

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run things rather than bringing in the Zuck to help them throw billions of dollars down the drain. Speaking of the

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Zuck, Meta and Microsoft have both announced new massive reductions in

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staff, although in very different ways.

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Meta is laying off 8,000 people, which amounts to 10% of its workforce. Meta

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CPO Janelle Gale told staff that the cuts will offset the other investments

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we're making. Well, that's comforting.

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Some of you may die. >> And makes sense, I guess, given that

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Meta just committed up to $135 billion

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on data centers this year alone. Microsoft's plan, meanwhile, is a little

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more gentle. They're offering voluntary buyouts to about $8,700 US employees in

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the company's first ever voluntary retirement program. Anyone at the senior

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director level or below whose age and years worked at Microsoft add up to 70

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can apply. So, if you're a 52-year-old with 18 years at Microsoft, you're good

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to go. And by go, I mean get out of here.

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>> You got to hand it to Microsoft's legal team, though. Voluntary retirement does

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kind of dodge the age discrimination lawsuits that regular layoffs can invite

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while still keeping that we're all living in a dystopia vibe going. And

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they say there's no innovation in tech anymore.

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Apple, meanwhile, patched a vulnerability this week that let the FBI

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obtain deleted signal messages from a suspect's iPhone, even after the app was

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uninstalled and the messages were set to autodelete. The fix comes after an April

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9th report from 404 media. The outlet revealed that the bureau was using a

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forensic tool to dig into a defendant's push notification database where copies

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of incoming signal previews were quietly hanging around for long after they were

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supposed to be gone. It turns out that iOS was treating Signal's delete request

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as more of a suggestion. >> Yeah, we'll get to it. Signal CEO

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Meredith Whitaker flagged the issue on Blue Sky, noting that deleted

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notifications shouldn't linger in any OS database and asked Apple to fix it. And

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to Apple's credit, they did listen. Apple rolled out iOS 26.4.2 on Wednesday

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with a patch highlighting improved data reduction, leading Signal to publicly

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thank them for the quick turnaround. A rare moment of tech giants listening to

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each other and helping protect people from government surveillance. All it

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took was the FBI rifling through someone's notification history. You know

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for an even better offer. We'll have that linked down below. If you think

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about it, octopuses can squeeze through any opening larger than their beak. Kind

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of like how I'm going to squeeze all of these rapid morsels into the next couple

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of minutes. Microsoft is finally letting IT admins uninstall Copilot from

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enterprise devices via a new patch Tuesday policy, which is good, but it

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does have some interesting conditions. Microsoft 365 CPI has to be installed. I

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mean, that one makes sense, >> aka Office. >> The user can't have installed Copilot

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themselves. Okay, sure. They can't

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delete something the user installed. Okay, I can I can jive with that one.

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And Copilot can't have been launched in the last 28 days. Now come on, we all

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accidentally press the button sometimes. What may not have been an accident is a

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conspiracy to profit from poly market

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gambling. The French weather agency has asked police to investigate some

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suspected tampering with a weather sensor at Charles de Gaulle airport near

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Paris after a couple of suspiciously timed temperature spikes that were

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cashed in on to the tune of around $35,000

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in profit. You know, I thought the whole point of a blockchain prediction market

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is that it's supposed to be trustless. But I guess that works great until

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someone demonstrates that the entire system is plugged into an airport

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thermometer that anyone can walk up to with a hairdryer and go, "Oh yeah, I

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think the hive today is going to be 52."

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>> It's democratizing insider trading. A former ransomware negotiator at cyber

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security firm Digital Mint has pleaded guilty to playing both sides of the

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table with the hacker group that he was paid to fight. Prosecutors say that

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Angelo Martino gave the cyber gang known as Black Cat his clients insurance

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limits and internal strategies across five different negotiations, helping to

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steal $75 million in ransom money for a

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cut of the profits. Feds have already seized $10 million in assets from

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Martino, including a luxury fishing boat and inexplicably a food truck because

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you should never pretend to negotiate on an empty stomach. The UK National Cyber

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Security Center has unveiled a plug-and-play dongle called Silent Glass

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that can stop malware from being transmitted over HDMI or DisplayPort.

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If you're confused about why this device would be necessary, it turns out that

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analysts are too. Protocol level exploits and compromised monitors are

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both legit attack vectors, but they're basically non-existent outside of

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conference demos. But hey, I guess it makes about as much sense as anything

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else you'll find in the UK. Oh, come on. That's not nice. >> UK's catching strays today.

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>> And Sony's AI division has built a pingpong robot that just became the

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first machine to beat a professional table tennis player under official

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tournament rules. Ace, the pingpong bot,

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tracks the ball using nine cameras and measures spin 700 times per second,

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which according to a Nature paper published this week, is how it took down

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elite university players and pros alike.

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That's right, unbeatable bots are coming to athletic games now, too. And if chess

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is anything to go by, this is inevitably going to lead to somebody cheating with

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a butt plug. But robots can't replace

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your innate value as a conscious human being. So, we want you to come back here

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on Monday for more tech news. That's it for today. I'm going to go taste

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something with my arms. Dang. Octopus got nothing on me. My arms all stuff.

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>> They're not going to beat you like Yeah, that's good. Just like that, you're

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tasting the air.

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Listen.