the roast of Linus sebastian is fueled by madrina's coffee get the Linus tech
tips vanilla cold brew today and now
please welcome your roastmaster james
stry
good evening ladies and gentlemen i'm james tribe and tonight is the big night
welcome to the madrina's coffee roast of Linus sebastian tonight we're here to
honor a man who made hundreds of hours
of quality educational content
five years ago and has been riding on click bait ever since
but before we get into it i'd just like to say on behalf of all those in
attendance tonight and the millions watching at home
Colton hey
that guy joining me on stage tonight i have
essentially an entire team where every player was picked last
you guys look like the character select screen for that banned steam game active
shooter you're like a buzzfeed listicle for
famous virgins
i'm just kidding you guys no one here is famous
bitwit is here tonight playing himself kyle also sometimes plays a yellow face
character named lyle who we all feel uncomfortable watching
but it's okay because kyle is part chinese
and part douchebag
he was allowed to bring a date tonight but paul already had plans so
gamer's next is steve i recognize you now sorry about earlier man we had a
mix-up where i thought steve was the guy we hired to set up the microphones
sorry man if you're tech jesus we're going to
need more nails
not to be outdone nick light is here tonight
you may remember him from such roles as the adams family's uncle fester
and help my head is a bowling ball
and finally we have a wait who the [ __ ] is that guy
taryn tong i'm told you're lying to us his old boss or something that's rumor
you don't look funny at all man guys don't worry someone will put
timestamps in the comments so you can skip all these people oh my god
speaking of people who love segways Linus is the megalomaniac ceo who pays
my salary Linus is a fast easy way to regret ever looking up a phone review in
the first place so you can get on with your life because who the [ __ ] cares
anyway just head to littleman syndrome.com and
enter code grinder in the how did you hear about us section
so thanks for watching guys because i'm fired now
on a related note it's a good thing that we're doing this roast now because let's
face it youtube is a fickle mistress and now the Linus is over 30 this house of v
cards could collapse at any minute
which is why i brought these headshots
call my people we're going to take a few pokes out
Linus tonight but there's no denying he's an icon
that you should probably drag into the recycle bin let's take a look at the work that
bookmarked him in the first place thank you for joining me
that didn't quite go as smoothly as i thought i pissed off a lot of people
and maybe that makes me kind of an [ __ ] but
i'm a happy [ __ ] right now let's put the past in the past
after this word from our sponsor
why not both am i being manipulated to join a crusade
or is there some kind of agenda let's see if i still got this
you could always just bludgeon your opponents over the head when you lose
is
hey are you pranking me right now my sister
had some spare pregnancy tests and i was like oh well i'll just try why didn't
you get tested when i asked you uh
hey there sexy i would like to spend some time with you tonight we are going
out to purchase some adult sex
it's all about the butt you want to start bouncing then i'm going to start
bouncing it baby was i wrong when i said she's a thick girl no prepare for some
lube to go everywhere oh my god it's full of pubes i'm a little nervous too
baby i've never done anything like this
oh my god it's hot just turn that camera off let's go
and through all that time he never changed his hairstyle his wardrobe or
his earrings he's like a less successful backstreet boy
ladies and gentlemen please welcome the only in-cell i know
who's married the west coast sheila Linus sebastian
oh wait wait wait wait wait wait wait i thought of everything buddy
you don't want you don't want this okay
well i noticed your feet are dangling already so
wow
finally i get to roast
Linus sorry guys uh Linus gave me some hosting tips before the show but i just
can't do it anyway what's with all the signing man your audience isn't deaf
they just wish they were
is there anyone who doesn't watch Linus's videos with the playback speed
crank to 2x seriously dude the only thing slower than your presentation
style is nyx metabolism
i'm surprised to see you in your regular uniform tonight i guess the uh your
father's suit section of valley village must have been picked dry
Linus has three beautiful children but i think they must have been test tube
babies or something because there's no [ __ ] way this guy's not a virgin
i know i'm as disappointed as anyone that this guy was able to breed at all
but apparently he's fixed now he says he got a vasectomy but i think they just
cut his balls right off
the imagery lately Linus has been trying to figure
out what to do next he tried to break into acting but he got frustrated
because he kept getting typecast as a eunuch
seriously i gotta hand it to you and the team for making this far though because uh your early videos have all the
production quality of an r kelly sex tape
but with more potty humor
it's a slow burn more recently Linus has been criticized
for the ridiculous faces that he wears in the thumbnail images but i don't
think he can help it in fact Yvonne told me that he makes the same faces in bed
when she pegs him
Linus definitely has some baggage from high school
and i think that's why he likes badminton he can avoid the trauma of a
team locker room while still getting to bat [ __ ] around all night
but his deepest insecurity is that even though he's built one of
the largest tech channels in the world the industry still treats him just like
his classmates did you can't play with our toys before
launch you're not invited to our annual party
and if you want to play seven minutes in heaven eventually you have to come out
of the closet
all right it's time for me to shut up and get to our first roaster kyle hanson
kyle's channel used to be called awesomesauce many people don't know that
this was actually his dad's nickname for him from way back before he was born
and who could have predicted his son would become famous for taking a sticky
load in the eye oh my god though i think he gets that
from his mother's side please welcome spitwitch
thank you for that introduction james
and impressive work by the way i actually didn't think Linus could sound
any stupider until you started writing for LMG
okay you're laughing too hard
good evening it's uh it's good to be here and by here i mean not sitting next to
you souls anymore all of you
hi jay
jay i i know you're probably too embarrassed to ask so i'll help you out
Linus do you have any offer codes for hair dye
jay will be in touch he probably does you're looking good though jay
you know i think it's cute how you show off your little sports cars must be nice
to actually fit in them now
just honest question did you just name your cars after girls fat jay never got
to ride because if so you're going to need a lot
more cars man
one of the most impressive things jay has ever done is his post malone build
you can really see how much hard work and talent goes into making something so
precisely ugly
when post malone stands next to that pc you don't even see his face tax
that build took so long to launch you should have named it Floatplane
there he goes
hi luke hey man man you look like you've had less sleep
than emperor palpatine
still i get aroused every time i see your face because it looks like a vagina
from the 70s
i also love how your professional and personal relationship with Linus is the
same he's the front end you're the back
beautiful but seriously building a website on that
scale must be a tediously grueling
process kind of like watching a gamer's nexus video
steve puts a lot of effort into his work you can't tell but he's benchmarking a
video card right now
i'm guessing it's up his ass and that's why he's always angry
i love all your youtube rant steve did you make one when metallica kicked
you out of the band
steve is known in the community as tech jesus but at least people believe in
jesus you corporate shell
by the way i didn't bring my twin brother lyle here tonight because i
didn't think any anyone would understand him
but it turns out dennis is here
oh dennis i think it's cool that during the bird box challenge you didn't need a
blindfold you just smiled
Colton why are you doing that i thought they put you up here with us
like you need to be any lower to the ground
i'm actually kind of surprised to see you here i'm pretty sure Colton hasn't
been fired yet because LMG has a height requirement for termination
kind of ironic isn't it Linus
but Colton i've always thought you'd make a great pedophile because you blend in with children
it's a feature so i've known Linus for let's see
too long and what i've learned is Linus will
monetize anything that moves i remember we did karaoke with him once and he
picked a song from the lion king
i'm pretty sure that was just a disney ad
you realize you're sandwiched between ads in every video right
like if you ever left youtube for pornhub you'd have dbrand in your ass and honey in your mouth
hey it tastes better than you think
i don't think your wife even knows that
by the way your earrings called they want the lesbian you stole them from back
in case you didn't know lesbian is an abbreviation for Linus sebastian
call her unlucky but at least helen keller never had to see your face or
hear your voice Linus's voice is proof that his balls
are the only two things he hasn't dropped yet
then again it's what made you internet famous i really loved your role as the 56k
modem
we all showed up to Linus's roast tonight but we'd never go to his
birthday party because he's a workaholic the invitation would say come celebrate
Linus's birthday monday 9-5
free cake sponsored by savage jerky
your funeral would be more fun
which reminds me when's the funeral for Channel Super Fun happening
that must have been fun though right making videos of you pretending that you
had friends because you clearly never had any in school
that's why when you grew up you had to hire 30 of them
you guys have really come a long way though i remember when the profile picture for the LTT channel was Linus
dressed up and posing as steve jobs remember that yeah
total douchebag move but it still looks better than your new logo oh
my god you and steve jobs do have a lot in
common though Linus may you live as long as he did
oh my god
jokes aside man you're all right in my book you've been an inspiration over the
years and it's an honor to share the stage with you tonight thanks for having me
the roast of Linus sebastian is fueled by madrina's coffee get the Linus tech
tips vanilla cold brew today coming up luke lafreniere i still love you man
steve burke Yvonne ho
and Linus himself oh i think there's no
one who deserves this more than me so tired of all the
beeps well now you can watch the roast of latin sebastian completely uncensored
and get early access to other Linus tech tips content at Floatplane.com
to me our next roaster luke lafreniere
is like a shapeshifter who can morph to perfectly match his job title he used to
play the hunky co-host now he plays the basement dwelling
software dev
man you look like if luke ate luke
or if philip seymour hoffman was playing luke you know what i like that
comparison because these days the two of you get
about the same amount of camera time i don't know who that is
he's dead please welcome heir to the duck dynasty
fortune luke lafreniere
that's all you get all right i don't i don't think you're worth any more time taran tong
why the [ __ ] are you here
like i i knew you from before but do you guys even know who he is i thought rose
group's supposed to be made up of like recognizable people i think the rest of
people are are here at the very least for some background taren works at
Corsair you guys know Corsair they have a logo that looks like a pirate ship uh
he used to work with Linus at ncx i think they might have had a logo one
time that looked like a sinking ship
not entirely sure and like any foundering vessel the rats will always
get out first
Colton
technically i left too so i don't know what that means um Colton nick thank you
for inviting me i know Colton isn't up here anymore he got kicked just like in every other situation uh this everyone
is the kind of reward that you get for charitable work see i handed both of
these two high school degenerates the only thing they were ever successful at
it's nice to see something in return also Colton you still owe me for that
computer buddy hit me up
i'm going to start Linus's section with a moment of silence
that wasn't in respect of anything that was a gift to all of you it's probably
the only silence you will ever have with Linus in the room
this never shuts up i've actually had to get used to giving
gifts of no monetary value like that one because Linus in all his generosity and
fairness paid me below minimum wage for a really long time actually the first
whole the whole time i knew taren interesting
that's kind of true i had to budget about three dollars a day for food and i slept on a friend's
couch well we turned his little side gig into the monster youtube channel it is
today he's kind of like darth vader but more like darth helmet or dark helmet
technically from spaceballs due to his like overall
stature wouldn't really fit in the suit
uh watching him get mad is horrible because he's got a lot of power like
vader he's your boss he can fire you unlike vader who'd kill you
watching me get frustrated however is quite hilarious i think we actually got
a little taste of that earlier on the big screen
it's just a hyper-energized little chihuahua that goes crazy
it's it's too funny it's really hard to keep it in sometimes you spend the whole
first movie thinking darth vader is the biggest baddest scariest force in the
universe and then you meet emperor vaughn
the one who's really in charge and i don't just mean at work by the way i
lived with him for a while make no mistake she's the boss
no question 100 i'm even pretty sure she force chokes him in bed
you couldn't hear anything could you
oh gee i lived across the hall buddy i know it went down
actually nick you kind of look like darth vader but just when he takes the helmet off
you just need a sleep apnea machine to get the
then it's you got it 100 down see the problem with making fun of Linus for
being like short or weak or having pretty hair or a super high-pitched
voice etc is that there's nothing wrong with those things so like i wasn't going
to go that angle he can't change that stuff what he could change is being a
terrible person um
but it's just not gonna happen uh one time we were hiking the second
tallest mountain in the continent he knows where this is going it's so
interesting
anyways it also happens to have lightning storms on it after 2 pm and
we're doing it for a lan party totally makes sense welcome to Linus media group
we were flown in the last minute to save him some money so we had no time to
acclimate to the altitude because you know sacrifice the storm troopers i
guess and as i'm about twice as tall as he is and consume a lot more oxygen with
my grown man lungs uh i got altitude
sickness pretty quickly whoa whoa whoa this is my turn okay uh
brandon wherever he is thank you for coming i'm not dissing brandon brandon's
lovely he was carrying about 45 to 50 pounds of gear on his back the entire
time i'm i'm gasping away like nick on a stair master
and where's Linus
Linus abandons us to get signatures from a witness well we potentially die
lightning's trucks are lightning strikes are landing all around us right in front
of us i'm literally carrying someone on my shoulder as we barely hobble out in
time before freaking god himself strikes us down
Linus is just relaxing in the car filming me as i come down he's great
it's wonderful you might be wondering he left you to die
why not quit after that see his ego is so massive that his main hiring
technique is gravitational pull and i mean that physically like he actually
pulls people in so few people have quit Linus menu group not because they didn't
want to leave because they haven't been able to muster up the escape velocity
now when talking about people that have a god complex it's usually a little bit more hypothetical he wants to write a
book about himself and beyond the potential book dlc and like subscription
model and however else he's going to figure out how to monetize it it's just
we at this point like sure people are going to be interested people talk about
it for a long time but we don't need the mind conf of youtube
does not need to be one of those i'm expecting chapters like how to create an
aquarium where you are absolutely the biggest fish
getting bullied the early years
how to sacrifice human life for fun and monetization
and asian chicks actually super approachable
well over here got a vasectomy no big deal smart move unlike anyone else i'm
not going to make fun of that but he did seem to really like the fact that he got
recognized he mentioned on tech wiki he mentioned on WAN Show it just seemed
like a big deal i do think
he really liked the fact that someone that watched his videos touched his dick
just a new new way of going about things and by the way i do believe the doctor
was excited i think he was actually quite into it but i do think that
everyone that watches your content would just generally love to see you sterilized
i think that's more what that was about
on the topic of everyone why is your panel mostly made up of your employees
it's because they're easy targets or like no one else show up you know
they're my only friends to be fair i'm assuming austin
marquez justine and the like would probably rather do anything on a friday
than hang out with you considering you have no friends thank you for delivering my final life sorry
you had to insert yourself and steal one more thing
why do you have to make everything so damn difficult
like this roast for instance i had about a month to prepare for this
i had a very long time to prepare for this but he's actually an incredibly difficult person to make fun of for
things that uh actually matter um
i had an insanely hard time with that even then i had to crutch on star wars
references which i think was almost half of it and uh just straight up
embellishment for a lot of the other ones which i'm probably going to hear
about later the truth is since the first day we've
met you've always had my back through every failure every success imaginable
both personally and professionally no matter how many jokes are made about
your height at this event to me you're a giant and i've stood on your shoulders
for years i'm proud that after eight years we're
still working together and it's an honor to call you my friend
our next roaster has some glorious hair steve you ever
think about donating it actually i'm picturing you bald now and
you might end up just looking like nick
give it up for steve burke
thanks for the introduction james organizing a roast like this is really
one hell of an accomplishment if you could get anyone on the stage
other than the cast of attention whoring minor celebrities
good job really tried
i have no idea who convinced madrinas
that literally just the word roast
that's it was enough to make this into an advertisement
but nothing says Linus tech tips more than shoehorning content into an ad
what's next Linus a barbecue sponsored by Intel cpus
a persecution complex sponsored by AMD fans
i didn't mention NVIDIA because i am contractually obligated to not mention
LTT's parent company
it's always great to see my mortal enemy jay how's it going jay probably asked
kingpin to write your jokes tonight
it's amazing that jay found the time to be here between celebrity pc builds
and forfeiting overclocking battles
the guy works seriously hard i've never seen anyone take
a year to build a computer quite like jay
post malone's lucky he got that thing before he died of liver failure
it's also good to see my friend kyle here tonight
kyle i'm glad to see you're not busy phoning in yet another video from your
car i don't know who will be happier when
you're in a fatal car accident walmart or the verge
at least lyle won't be held back anymore
lioness finally gets you i know you've been waiting all night
i'm surprised to see you smile so much tonight honestly it's amazing it's a
medical miracle that your face isn't permanently stuck in your click bait
thumbnail pose how does it go is it like would you show
me you gotta hold it a little longer oh i'm sorry
take the picture so there's an old myth
that having your photo taken would suck out your soul and based on what we've
seen of you i think they were probably right
speaking of soul sucking experiences there are none more depressing than
watching Linus a 32 year old man try to
promote a 700 vacuum cleaner to his 13 year old audience
i don't know what cost less your sandals or your integrity
it could be worse at least you're not austin evans hey guys this is austin and this is
paying my bills this month
Linus it's it's really helpful to have you in the industry sincerely i mean
that it just it makes the rest of us look so good
i still remember when you tried to show the internal case thermals Linus
through a tempered glass panel with a thermal camera
you can't do that there's reflectivity issues there's emissivity issues this
isn't a joke it just really bothered me
for about four years now so you know i just want you to remember what it
feels like to care about your job that was luke's idea oh
still friends hopefully speaking of unfunny faints
house Channel Super Fun doing or did it die with your passion for
computer hardware
that's not true Linus still has plenty of passion he shows it mostly when
working on projects he really loves like stealing washed up hosts from dying
channels riley
or creating scandals by misidentifying tampons
but it's all about the engagement isn't that right Linus
sincerely though Linus even though you peaked seven years ago when you reviewed
a toy fire truck
we really appreciate having you in this industry you bring a lot of newcomers
into the space it's extremely healthy i think for the rest of the industry and
we are happy to have you in it i respect everything you've done and everyone on
this stage except for james thank you
how many more are left
buckle up buddy next up we've got Linus's wife Yvonne ho or as i like to
call her Linus's excuse to be racist
Yvonne works with Linus so during the height of me too i was constantly
refreshing my news feed because i figured Linus is a powerful guy and
frankly there's just no way that anyone could sense to having sex with him
she didn't change her name because she's a hoe for show please welcome to the
stage the one who wears the pants and the
strap-on in the relationship Yvonne ho wow
all right thanks for that introduction that was james everybody but don't clap for him
he doesn't deserve it he's actually going on paternity leave
soon thank goodness i hope he never comes back jesus
that's a plan imagine all the whining and the burping
and the fart farting that we won't have to deal with
in the office anymore
anyway um sorry excuse me i'm just uh i'm trying
to look out into the audience but i'm a little distracted by nick's bald spot
there like a freaking beacon
you could use the shine off your forehead to like guide ships home from
the sea can you just tilt your head up a
little bit yeah thank you that's better i don't know if that's a better look for
him
anyway yes i am Linus's wife and yes
Linus has a wife
we've been together 14 years too long and have three kids
i used to tell people that i actually had four kids because Linus is a bit of
a late bloomer
i guess i should have expected that from someone who peed his bed till he was 15
years old
i told you that in confidence
he told me it was a trust building exercise
anyway we're still waiting to see if his voice will ever pass the puberty stage
now a lot of people actually think that i married Linus for his money but when i
met Linus i was studying pharmacy on my way to a six figure income and he was
flunking out of school jobless and had horrible pink hair pink
it was gelled the same as it is now too i think he spikes it to look taller
because i can't think of any other reason why he would do it
we all know it doesn't look good
he actually didn't drop out of school till he made me promise to take care of
him huge red flag ladies
but it wasn't the financial dependency or lack of prospects that worried my mom
no she pulled me aside and was like honey he's really short
if you're wondering how romantic Linus is you obviously have never met him and
you probably know nothing about him but his idea of romance is taking me out
to red robin and reading me a story called everybody poops
and lighting a scented candle while i sit and watch him play video games
she told me that was true that's all true that's true that just happened last
week
a lot of people ask me why i married Linus
yeah a lot of people wonder that
it's good that i married him before he got famous though right otherwise i'd
have to compete with all these fans out there just kidding you only attract men
after we got married though Linus did what a typical guy would do he asked me
to have a threesome well waking up in the middle of the night to
find dennis in our bed in vegas wasn't what i had in mind this is also a
true story
i'm sorry dennis there were budget constraints
i'm sorry dennis but ugly really isn't my type oh
i'm just kidding you're beautiful on the outside
a lot of people have a problem with dennis's accent but i don't
i say keep practicing and eventually one day you'll say something intelligent
a lot of people don't know that i actually started this company with Linus
and even helped him in the ncix days but he just took credit for all my ideas and
my labor and not only that but he made jokes about paying me with sexual favors
lioness so naive men like you don't pay with sex they pay for sex
speaking of taking credit for other people's ideas though bitwick kyle is
here and when it comes to running his youtube
channel i'm not sure he's ever had an original thought he's copied us every
step of the way he even hired his wife to help
that's our awesome sauce
we're not mad that you copy us though it's okay you shouldn't feel bad steve
copies us too he's got the bad fashion and somehow
even worse hair
kudos we're doing something better than us though not fair
i want my conditioner back
smells too good and jay you're actually one of the
people i follow on twitter um i really like some of your colorful rants
but i just want to share some advice that i'm always giving Linus um acting
like a giant dick doesn't make yours any bigger
speaking of size back when i was pregnant with my third child i thought
luke might be too
i could feel the last nine months though so i don't know
luke actually used to live with us when we started LMG he was really messy when
he moved out he left the biggest grossest stand on the floor
in the room now we have our two-year-old son and boy it's nice to have someone
who's actually potty trained
he's bought his own place now though huge congrats it was an estate sale
meaning he bought it from a dead guy but he's so cheap that he took the dead
guy's couch his chairs his cutlery even
the dead guy's bed
that's true what a great deal it was an amazing deal
all jokes aside though the dead guy stuff is a huge upgrade
now people ask why does LMG have so many people it's so Linus can have friends
when he wanted to go on vacation last year he paid for 20 other people to go
and called it a mandatory company retreat
some of you might not know but Linus is actually really concerned about getting
dad bod but hun you don't spend enough time with the
kids to qualify for that
real talk real time
that was pretty deep
now i haven't actually been with many other people or actually any other
people besides Linus and that's probably for the best because i might be more
disappointed and i say more disappointed because i do have fingers
oh one finger
on summer nights Linus gets so sweaty that he soaks the whole bed and it's
basically the only time he makes me wet
who is this lady yeah joke's on you 15 wasn't the last
time oh my god
in all seriousness though you know i love you you know i think you're
wonderful you're my best friend you're my business partner love of my life
thanks for letting us poke fun at you
the roast of Linus sebastian is fueled by madrina's coffee get the Linus tech
tips vanilla cold brew today still to come dennis liao while we're saying
tonight it's not just a joke jay's two cents
and riley murdoch i don't like roasting people why can't we all be friends
keep the fire burning with the limited edition madrina's roast t-shirt
available exclusively at lttstore.com
our next roaster has no idea where he is or what's happening
dennis liao is really popular on a site called ratedrivers.ca
seriously i tried to punch in his plate number before this event and the whole
site just crashed you think i'm being racist but i'm not
making this up here's my favorite comment this is real
after having an altercation at a red light with this asian
he almost ran some people over because he was texting and driving
for the record dennis i don't think you're texting you're probably taking a
dick pic put your hands together for dennis leo
oh my god i can't believe i'm working with a bunch of animals
okay it's my turn look at these people oh look i haven't seen you for a while
you've been living good living big
no why it's called floor plan because it will never sink we're still looking on
that why are you laughing nick light as if
you're alive
um kyle and Yvonne
peop all these white people thought uh we asian look all the same but i can
tell you the difference you are ugly
james james he loves recycling at work he just he
always tells people like what to cycle what to put there and he gets all pissed
about it he he literally get boner for recycling and he even used recycled
condom and that's why his wife is pregnant
um i'm happy for you though
i guess everyone at work there's always one guy always coming to work so
energetic smiling on the [ __ ] monday morning and saying like oh
hey good morning how's your day and this person's riley but i've been in this
whole because like my eyes was like half open like always i still really like
working here and riley just always so happy i hate responding his good morning
so here is good [ __ ] morning
this is kind of sad lioness you lost your two cats have you found
them no oh oh have you checked iman's lunch bag
share with me she share with me and yummy
is that where the jacket came from
one of them well we have to uh big thanks to
madrina's coffee to make this event happen but
why the [ __ ] would you bring with lambo you know that's not real right it's been
demolished and good luck
okay let's start oh i'm not even using is this
what oh yeah oh okay so many jokes
i'm so sorry i love that one
okay so let's start with something positive
lioness he's a good guy he always keep his uh promises and he will take his
word like one of his favorite thing is firing people
but coden what are you still here
lioness is so bad at acting i'm so happy
and you never like pursue it uh your acting career if you ever think of going
on a red carpet going to oscar this is
the closest you can get
there's a well-known rumor that lioness is gay
well it might be true a gay virgin i mean
i mean i don't think no one in your gay community would [ __ ] something like this
i mean i would rather [ __ ] look hey uh james sure riley
david cameron of three
all the sales team except Colton
the guy the contractor who built a kitchen set
but not steve he looked too much like a
woman from the back and
jay i'm not into daddies
so Yvonne so i can promise you that your
marriage is secure speaking of secure
Linus is insecure why
ever since lance got his vasectomy has been like so insecure like he always
carrying this [ __ ] orange screwdriver around and
put it in his pocket so he has a big boat
come on Linus nice try
in fairness i've been carrying that for 10 years
oh you do you get vaccectomy that early
it doesn't make it better lioness slightest slants is like an
annoying irritating buzzy smelly [ __ ] short bare breath white talented
timeless ugly pretty eye girl voice step
that you never wanted except for his money
which he never gives you anyway
he is so [ __ ] cheap
he would bring us out for dinner but he will never pay for drinks not even
anything so last besides screwdriver is
there any coupons in your pocket
oh you know what's in my pocket
oh 10 yen oh uh i got this 10 yen for my cocoa
refill here it is
you take it he takes it
you know Linus you owe me an apology you know why
because i'm not interested in your tech videos i'm not interested in your CPU
GPU [ __ ] you
it's like adding your video it's like having a thick knife like like
just just like only my eyes what the [ __ ] that is
it's also i'm like a talented caring nurse and all i do was like wiping asses
it's all [ __ ]
your bill guy works this one time i was
built watching a build guy i i did try to build a computer i finished up before
i drop it i looked down why the [ __ ] am i wearing sandals and socks
well Linus you are a nice person i'm really
thankful that you pinned my wall even i broke your ceiling
our next roaster has got to be the oldest guy in the room if
Linus is tech dad jay is tech grandpa if
if if steve has tech jesus j is tech methuselah
i'm trying to express myself here if if Linus is at the height of his career
jay's dead
lioness and jay you guys should really do more collaborations though because you guys are actually a pretty good team
jay has the temperament of a child and Linus has the body of a child
put them together you get one complete grown ass man
make some noise for perhaps the first creator eligible for youtube's
retirement pension beta jay's two cents
okay um we're here to obviously hang out with
someone who's got a face for radio and a voice worthy of mute
i am of course talking about Linus sebastian but before that we've got a
few people here that we need to go ahead and address in the room kyle i want to
congratulate you on the dream of home ownership
big boy cars big boy clothes why don't you buy a [ __ ] brush
seriously i am sick and tired of watching your videos and see that you're
just like i've got the messy thing going i mean you're one fanny pack away from
[ __ ] hipster of the year okay
luke i liked it better without the beard seriously you look like a [ __ ]
unshaved vagina there's two of those
that is too and i was pissed when james said it because had you shaved i would realize
you just looked like a shaved vagina
so there's that i'll be okay with that uh steve
what's up we we talked recently about uh we don't watch each other's videos
because we're too busy until recently i found out yours are the
perfect solution for insomnia seriously
they're so [ __ ] boring i cannot make it past the intro
like i never see the ad because i don't make it that far
dennis hi hi
i have no idea what you [ __ ] said in that last i just laughed
i i'm sorry i've i've been to the studio i i've watched some i have no idea what
you're saying and when i go to taiwan it's like i'm in the land of dennis's i have no idea
what the [ __ ] is happening seriously so but but but you're sweet and uh
i yeah just smile or not
um riley i don't know you
no i've seen you you're you're pretty much as white girl
as it gets for being a dude and when ncix tech tips went under i was like yes
i don't have to see this anymore and then Linus hired you yes
so yeah whatever no
james james james we went back and forth on this i didn't know how deep i should
go like how how hard should i go i i didn't know and uh he kind of was like
okay your set's okay it's a good start you know but we really want to see like
a verbatim script but we use a different system where i come from it's called talent
so i'm kind of clicking the thing but you know i'm not really looking at it right i'm looking at you because we
don't need that but if it makes you feel better i'll keep clicking the button
um Linus though i'm happy to see that nobody held back because i was concerned
really honestly um but who should have held back was your
dad you know before he was quite honest
i'm just saying Linus literally looks like a sock puppet
without the hand i mean look at it look at this there's a hand in there
well yeah the hand is in the other end but you know whatever there's something to
be said about a man who only wears his own brand though right i mean think
about it you're so [ __ ] conceited you have to brand i'm surprised you
haven't sold the sweater and started putting sponsors and stuff on that and don't use that idea because i'm probably
going to do it myself but but in terms of looks and stuff
though i mean you you can't really help that you can't help the fact that you look like a skeleton wearing wax paper
for skin um maybe by comparison
yeah i got a few extra pounds but um
you know at least i i can lift more than five pounds so
look at those wrists we've also we've we've all seen those screaming goat
videos though right i mean literally that's what i hear one of your videos
come on i don't know Yvonne what the [ __ ]
look i used to think okay Linus is he's got a good business he's i knew you were
a pharmacy you know going to pharmacy school and all that sort of stuff and i thought okay well maybe she realized
like this is a white guy going somewhere at work
you just said none of that had anything to do with it you married him when he was a deadbeat or you got with him he's
a deadbeat you had to take care of him you were the one going somewhere
he has a small dick what is wrong with you
i don't get it i don't get it but it's okay that's besides the point i mean Linus can't control things like a
stature or his voice but he can control his [ __ ] fashion sense
so i'm off the cards now guys sorry so anyway we uh we recently were at austin
evans wedding and somehow
i don't know how this happened we got into the conversation about sock quality
i wish this were a joke we're sitting there in line waiting to get into the reception and he goes on about like
champion sucks you know whatever this brand's good this brand's bad i wear
them out in badminton yeah i mean never thought i have a conversation with someone talking about stock quality
while playing badminton but this guy for like 15 minutes went on and found a
brand that cost a little more but has a lifetime warranty i realized he knows more about socks
than anything tech related
yeah 1997 called it wanted tearing backs apparently with the lesbian from earlier
i don't know something like that but Linus Linus is cheap he told me too
he only goes to places that he can get all you can drink iced tea apparently
that's a thing he told me once he drank so much iced tea that they double
charged him and when he called him out on that he drank more than apparently
all you can drink because he's that into iced tea but speaking of drinks
madrinas you don't even drink coffee
it is he will put his name on anything with a dollar sign behind it and this is
evidence of that he recently showed in a sponsor spot one
of his live streams that he didn't even know how to [ __ ] make it
and then he said that if he drink coffee he assumes it tastes all right
so if there was a if you want to talk about shilling and people who are willing to put their name behind
anything this is it literally right here
i mean i was thinking you know it's nice of Linus to to pay for all of us to come
up here and i realize Linus isn't paying for [ __ ]
for that for this if there's ever been any over more
overwhelming proof though that Linus will shill it's literally this event
right here but you know uh talking about shilling and that kind of segues into
the whole concept of you have a big team you need the sponsor spots to help keep
everything afloat because there's big overhead there's big expenses
you did a live stream recently from your phone talking about
every year you kind of have to address this topic why is LMG so big why is so
much deaf it's because it takes 27 people to lift
your ego
but there's anything i've ever learned about uh small limp dick terrible haired earring
wearing sock warranting sell out like Linus is that anybody can literally make
your dream come true as long as you're willing to pay people to make
you look like you know what you're doing lioness and all seriously though i uh i
appreciate you you showed me that even with a voice like yours you
can go somewhere online so huge thank you i respect you
in everything that you do and uh thanks for inviting me
i know Linus cares about the environment because he uses recycled hosts
riley murdoch you were definitely raising a call to
sack hey i was
if god's a software developer you're his mvp
minimum viable personality
please welcome the product of hitting go on a basic white guy generator
thank you james you said some mean things about me but
i know he's joking because this is a roast
normally it's kind of hard to tell because his face looks like he just stepped in dog
yeah some people have resting face uh james has resting serial killer face
but it's actually a trick because he's actually really got a soft heart he's an environmentalist he single-handedly
started the recycling program that we have at LMG he's a vegetarian you know
he loves the world just not the people on it
i bet he would love actually if half the population got wiped out like today just
to see less trash in the landfills oh he's not even there
he's scared
i have to sit here and take it i was gonna call him a sick
eco-conscious bastard there he is
i don't value your opinion
yeah well that actually works right and uh really well into my next joke he's
basically thanos you know legitimate uh interesting character
complex motivations but at the end of the day he's just a big purple dick
see me i love the world i love that we have so many wonderful roasters here
steve burke from gamersnexus steve is a
critical thinker a gentleman and a scholar
but you wouldn't guess it because he looks like a cro-magnon man
not many people know this steve is actually a bit of a scientific marvel
yeah he was conceived in a lab using ancient sperm trapped in amber
oh maybe that's why you couldn't convince the verge you're a real journalist
me steve me expose Intel scandal
blow lid off whole thing
it's just not gonna happen man why can't you get it through your hair
luke lafrenier is here tonight is that you see her name i don't know i think so
luke's old nickname was slick but i could never really bring myself to call
him that when his wardrobe consists entirely of shirts that he can get for
free at packs or at work
or at work but don't get me wrong i appreciate the aesthetic you've curated
you know you look very happy very contented you've just finished your third hungry
man tv dinner
put them on the people say luke and i look related and
you know maybe it's true you know maybe we're
triplets
luke ate the other one
dennis lau is here everybody he's the main editor for techlink the
new show that i write and host and he's also
a magnificent angel look at him
i know this is a roast i know he said some mean things about me but
could you ever say something nasty about such a pure
spirit look at him he's like a delicate forest sprite
a being of light and perfect goodness
oh dennis can we get dennis anything
do you need anything i just want to can you give him a drink
can someone get him yeah please he deserves all the goodness in the
world oh sweet
sweet sweet boy sweet dennis no one ever can hurt you i will stop
them bless you dennis
how
kyle [ __ ] you man
i'm sorry i'm sorry that was a reflex you see when i was making videos for
ncix kyle was doing the same thing for our main american rival newegg so he is
still legally my nemesis
and we've only met like twice i'm sorry kyle kyle is his own channel
of course formerly named the relatable and excitable exciting awesome sauce
network and then he changed it to uh
beetweet
i mean bitwit it sounds like the fifth teletubby
who was too stupid to make it on the show so tinky winky and dipsy had to leave him
in the namby pamby forest
yes i googled the names of the teletubbies for that
kyle's had a bit of trouble with the verge recently aka the real journalists
that was a joke they took down his lyle character's
response to their shitty pc building guide uh because they said it infringed
their copyright and featured a racist character because he did a chinese
accent now kyle is asian okay but i can understand the confusion i mean he looks
mexican and his last name is hansen
i mean i hear his full name and i think is that is that one of the umbop guys
and we're also being graced tonight by the presence of taran tong from Corsair
taran also worked at ncix as we've heard nice to see you escape the gulag man
and look where he ended up you know a featured presenter at an amateur comedy
roast for a minor internet celebrity
but the real reason we're here tonight everybody the third most famous Linus
Linus sebastian now although i've only worked for Linus
for about a year i actually worked with him uh back at ncix i don't remember
much from my time there only some vague
flashes come through you know a high-pitched wine
cutting through the office like a hot knife through hair gel
a glimmer of light reflecting off not
one but double hoop earrings
in both ears why too
why do you need so many i don't think he can even remove them
now i think they're infused into his nervous system
and i'll never forget this the distinct
aroma of dippity do
hardening into a jagged hellscape of
spikes very affordable yes
unfortunately it was 2013 and hair gel hadn't been cool for like
10 years
seriously though everyone's style kind of crystallizes at some point usually in
adulthood but you were 13. and you were like this is it
only this
but that's what we love about Linus isn't it he doesn't flip-flop around
with the trends in fact he never wears flip-flops only the thickest soul
sandals with the sturdiest velcro
those things are not coming off no matter how much ivan begs
legend has it that beneath those straps his skin
is entirely translucent
like those deep sea fish
yeah Linus looks less like a successful business owner and more like a 1990s
circuit city employee
why would i move out of my parents house i'm saving money uh i don't have to cook
and i can even have girls over if i leave the door open
okay but really guys we all know Linus is actually an incredibly hard-working
creator a dedicated husband and father and an inspiring leader
i can't thank him enough for fishing me out of that dumpster last year
and what he's built in Linus media group is nothing short of astounding i mean you've got a huge studio hundreds of
thousands of dollars in equipment and close to 30 employees now
i think we can afford a stylist
[ __ ] that's it
hey
the roast of Linus sebastian is fueled by madrina's coffee get the Linus tech
tips vanilla cold brew today up next Linus gets the last word
he deserves to be roasted but he doesn't deserve the roast
so i hope he leaves here a little bit sadder than he came the closer we get to
it the more i am [ __ ] terrified
this next roaster is someone who definitely needs an introduction
i just met taran tong for the first time tonight when he tried to sell me dvds on
the sidewalk definitely representing Corsair's
official position please welcome taren tom
so i'd like to thank uh head game master seneca crane for enhancing this event
tonight
just so you know auditions are downstairs on the casting coach
and hopefully the rest of you the view count is high enough tomorrow so you
still have jobs but the odds aren't looking that good
when i usually see Linus it's some sort of trade show where he starts waltzing
in and because he's internet famous he starts breaking
so tonight i'm like well this is the first time in 15 years since
inviting me on any one of his shows so i'm looking around and what can i break
i'm sort of thinking something grand like the camera boom because nothing
says no nothing says view counts like human
tragedy i mean you guys can tell i tell your friends about it after the show
speaking of internet famous it's finally nice to meet some of my co-co-roasters
that i watched online jay from js2 cents um steve from gamers nexus
kyle from bit what what the [ __ ] is a bit what
kind of sounds like you know a head injury that you get after you take one
too many shots of the head will they have to hand it to you guys
for finding william hungary
i think if we all get through this night he might come up and do an encore she
bangs she thinks
then there's a five benchwarmers from the lineus media group
filling in for the other youtubers who had the better sense not to comfort this
no know takeuchi sometimes is unfairly criticized for a lack of diversity but
what i feel tonight is that we can yes we can show the world that we can raise
that diversity that we like we have le fernier with his quick waco sounding
last name dennis taking a break from deviant
street turning tricks
you know representing china even though he's taiwanese
official communist party doctrine says it's other way around
then all the hardware that james put into organizing lists so i'd like to
give him one those slow claps
after months and months of preparation he managed to find one
not two just one woman to participate and that's minus his wife
hey forever dude justine was busy
i mean it should be it should be a simple pitch right you know come out
have a couple drinks have a few hours joke about internet culture
no joke about technology what the biggest group in in cells west of the
rockies if this is in progress i don't know what
is
Yvonne just a bit of advice keep that rape whistle and pepper spray
ready and later when i tell you you run you just run and you don't look back
you had your chance to speak now at the wedding
piece jay first time we're meeting tonight
even though my employer possibly my former employer uh depending on how the
rest of the night goes has worked for several years
recently i saw a really touching episode where um she answers the call from the
make-a-wish renovation and he's building a pc with a kid who got traveled to cancer
from no terrible thing um
but be straight with me were you really their first choice
i mean what was the selection process they're like going through youtube
videos and they're like [ __ ] this guy's got delta [ __ ] behind as well so
let's just pair the two of them up like
who's making the decisions there it's a good thing they didn't check and see how long it takes them to finish a
build
but seriously so really good stuff i mean it shows you know the power of this
community and the heart that we have and it makes us all appreciate that we're
all relatively good to health except for nick he looks like he's about to go in
for the lobotomy tomorrow
or maybe he's having a coronary i mean move those hands are you trying to hide
one of those untimely boners we have been sitting around for a
little longer than we probably liked the lights a little bit warm
so try to fight it but you can so just roll with the buddy
jace fallon's philanthropy and humanity doesn't really end there though i mean
um i understand that he brought steve from gamers nexus with him tonight
because steve wanted to be on a youtube channel that was somebody watched other than his
mom but don't worry stephen
everything she says is true about you your hair is dreamy
you're just big boned
you're a real catch
and you know what for somebody who has such strong opinions about cable management here it's sort of the same
concept at least i didn't make the 680x
very specific very very nice very neat
but really really i'm thrilled to be here uh when Linus asked me to come up i
thought it was a wonderful opportunity to support the lgbt community
i mean just look at this transformation that they've made from a socks and
sandals wearing lesbian to a proud possibly gay man
i'm looking forward to have been taking a story injections in the last i hear
that dennis is going to help volunteer administer you know
so you can go from his 12 year old girl like nasal voice to elizabeth
holmes like baritone
well how about this outcome right vlog your journey it'll be good i think we'll
be pretty brave hashtag courage
despite all the grief i give Linus before today
today tomorrow he's preserved and he's made it and he's
a decent human being he cares
much more deeply about his employees and has a lot more emotional depth than his
uh crappy videos may suggest
lioness today is a more introspective version of the drum kit i met years ago
no mastering his negotiating skills of vendors by telling him ahead of time
that no we have no intention of paying you
it happened
i wish him more subs more views and more successful years to come thanks for
having me
our final roaster is nick light just think if all those years ago michael
jackson had had your face today there'd be no controversy guilty
please welcome the guy who shows up with a bat if you thumbs down a Linus video
dicklight
all right wow what an introduction
uh from the guy who's attempting to look like bruce buffer
after all these roasts i'm feeling a little a bit more like bruce butt hurt
so uh we'll try to get past that i'm really happy that i get to share the
stage tonight with some of my awesome colleagues like riley you know as you've
heard tonight riley's motivated he's enthusiastic and boy is he positive
like seriously this dude is weirdly positive
this may be about far-fetched but some days i wonder if riley might secretly be
a serial killer i could easily picture you just standing
in your kitchen frying up a bunch of severed fingers and
saying time for the quick bits
maybe you'll uh maybe you'll enjoy them with a side of good gravy
and luke luke of course as he alluded to earlier without him i probably never
would have even heard of Linus tech tips never mind actually working here
but luke is the best type of guy to be indebted to his memory is so bad
that he can't even remember to show up on time for the WAN Show you know the
show that has started at the same time every week
for like seven years
so i feel pretty safe in knowing that there's no way in hell he's ever coming
to collect on that debt
avon you're great too uh but one thing
that i absolutely can't stand is how indecisive you are sometimes
i can't even imagine what it must have been to deal with you when you were a
pharmacist you know you'd be calling your patients back all the time take one of these no no take two take two uh take
take four uh and then they never called you back because by the time they got
the final message they were dead
on a more serious note though i would never
impersonate a generic asian accent
unlike some people on this stage but
i impersonate dennis all the time because dennis is the absolute king of
unintentional one-liners my absolute favorite one happened in
vegas one time you know we're all chilling in the room it's ces we're
catching up on emails it's like 11 p.m and then all of a sudden dennis barges
through the door obviously drunk and just says
i lost all my money
and another time in mexico we were on some random jungle excursion dennis
looks over into the distance and spots this huge hole in the ground and he
points to Colton and he says hey Colton the reason why you're here is so i can
put you in your grave
and i'm sure i'd have many many more examples of that if only i could
understand half the words that come out of here
and who can forget our esteemed guests the three guys who had nothing better to
do on a friday night than fly to a different country country to take part
in a bootleg marketing event for a coffee company hosted by the troop of
man children who brought you such classics as arctic hobby land rider 503
rc fire truck unboxing and first look Linus tech tip
yes that is the full title of Linus's most viewed video and yes this is the
moment where all of you should be seriously reflecting on the life choices
you've made that have brought you to this very state
kyle the man the myth the bit whip
uh lyle's just better i'm not even making a joke that's just honest
feedback steve or as he's more affectionately
known tech jesus uh maybe if you smoked as much weed as
your hair makes it look like you do you'd actually make an entertaining video
and jay i'm honestly really quite surprised that
you showed up tonight all of the famous people here already
don't know how to build their own pcs
at least when Linus decides to make a six-part video series the audience
already knows it'll take over a year to complete and it'll end with fake
excitement
and speaking of Linus uh who can forget the reason we're
all here tonight mr Linus sebastian Linus media group Linus tech tips Linus
cat tips this guy really doesn't think a whole lot of himself
i actually heard that Linus wanted to have five kids that way he could start
the names with l-i-n-u
they'd be like the power rangers except instead of joining together to save the
planet they'd have to fight to keep their dad's fragile ego intact after he
gets old and looks a whole lot more like i do
for all the hater we see online it's actually pretty easy for me to look past
all the clickbait titles and shitty thumbnails they've given me the perfect
title for my future tell-all book the many faces of Linus sebastian a series
in 12 parts
and in addition to the many faces of Linus there are many sides to Linus at
well as well uh so at work he's running around like a man on a mission he's got
a screwdriver in his pocket he's lifting heavy servers but then you get to the
badminton court and he's moving elegantly and he always makes sure to
have his balance hand out when he goes up to smash that [ __ ] i mean shuttle
[ __ ] shuttle [ __ ] why don't we just call it a birdie
um i only like him because he makes me money
i guess i just had that down as a note
awkward um
but even with all the things that we can harp on you know your height your voice the way you just drag on forever
um the bottom line is that you promote curiosity creativity and hard work and
tech content that is second to none your fantastic influences on the lives of
everyone here and everyone watching at home and i want to say thank you
ladies and gentlemen it's time for the rant you've all been
waiting for the man that youtube only puts on
trending to be ironic Linus sebastian
thank oh wait oh god how does this no time
that was that was hard
honestly it wasn't quite as bad as i was expecting though believe it or not
that's actually the first time nick's ever said anything nice about me
honestly guys i didn't think that had a single kind
bone in his body though in fairness to me you can't
really blame me it would have been pretty hard to find a bone in there
yeah you're smiling it's a fat joke
steve man that was brutal
i mean at least you didn't call me a pathetic corporate shill by name when
you did your mock vacuum cleaner review
yeah it's pretty quiet i guess you guys didn't see that video
that's okay you really didn't miss much it's kind of like the rest of steve's
videos really [ __ ] boring
like here's the thing i might have an irritating voice
but it beats putting the entire room to
sleep every time i open my mouth
then there's this tech jesus thing like what is that i'm always hearing yeah
he's tech jesus meanwhile i'm sitting here going yeah no that can't be right i
mean for one thing jesus had 12 whole followers
and for number two he eventually came
back from the dead
you ask me he's more like tech weird owl
just without the accordion or a personality
yeah laugh it up kyle but i mean at least steve's videos have
substance i mean i was chatting with your bff lyle the other day and i think
he put it best he goes okay rook
he called himself awesome sauce but he
looked more like sweet and sour dork
he too stupid even for the verge
as if they'd hire your racist ass real talk man do you have any idea how
offensive that voice is to people
but no no i can do it i'm like half chinese on my wife's parents side
at least unlike you guys jay knows something
it's off
you're right i do thank you i appreciate it
we actually planned that's the end suffer [ __ ]
so jay's an expert when it comes to milking
celebrity appearances for youtube views
i swear to god man how many parts was the post malone build
you got your part one you got your part two you've got your oh
my god it's finally working thank god
oh oh not cute
i was like i didn't make that video
dude it's a computer just [ __ ] build it
thank god he didn't leave your review on yelp
yeah my brand new computer was outdated six
months before he delivered it
more like jay's too slow once more
then there's you sorry who are you again
right right oh vp of sales of course their memory oh big shot
a douche you know
he's lucky that they never checked his resume every company he has ever worked for
has gone to [ __ ] you know
everyone you know before he settled into hawking memory modules he tried to make
it as a tech reviewer remember neoseeker
oh wait what yeah exactly right what
all right his most recent victim ncix
so if that's anything to go by i'd say submit your Corsair warranty claims get
your rebates in because if the pile of dead bodies is anything to go by i'd say
they've got about another three years
reminds me riley for three years i tried to poach this
guy from them so hey
you know riley what's up LMG is a pretty cool place to work
oh yeah was that a hand well that's neat
if it would have worked i'd have done it
maybe maybe i was better off without you you clueless [ __ ]
he's so nice and sincere you can't be like maybe this is an underhanded
recruitment attempt
anyway ncix finally folds and i send over a proper job offer and what do i
get back oh you know i really want to but my wife
isn't sure if she thinks i should do it you want nate
dude either you're whipped as [ __ ] or you use your wife as a shield
either way it's a bad luck
which brings me perfectly to luke
where do i start with luke how about before i even met him guy's a [ __ ]
liar you know
probably the biggest one was actually on his resume so it was only years later that he
finally admitted that his only experience NVIDIA production was quite
literally a keyboard unboxing that he made in the kitchen with his mom
did you know he's actually the only reason that we implemented a dress code
at our company that's right we have a dress
it's a really simple one wear actual pants
because nobody wants to see a giant meat
prince sticking out of your flannel pjs
i'm sorry somehow i don't believe him
i know what the dick swinging was about though it really could not have been easy for
you having the stature of batman
with the status of robin
i liked it
back to wearing pants though my wife
please don't punish me for this
now we've heard already a lot of people say well she must have married me so
that she could spend my money but come on guys you gotta think
critically that's obviously not true because if it was the first thing she'd
have bought is a pair of breasts
like honestly hun if i wore as much padding as you
just think of it what an innovation i could just like
you know it's good uh we're actually shopping the other week it was adorable
so she's all excited she finally found something that fits right
and i go on you know the the aisle for adult
women is over there right
honestly though i don't even know why i'm laughing at this joke because the joke's kind of on me
i mean we're done having kids so it's not like she needs them for anything
at least my wife can use power tools though
yeah dennis
you think i forgot about you so this guy invites me over to see his new apartment
on a saturday and i get there and apparently he expects me to paint
his walls and mount his tv
you know you're [ __ ] useless
when you trust these butterfingers more than yourself to handle your expensive
electronics i don't know why
i guess i don't blame you though i mean so i asked this guy to hand me a drill
because i'm working on things for him he goes oh i'm not a drill person
what the [ __ ] is a drill person
a man
a top would you believe this guy served in the taiwanese military
thank god china never actually invaded
can you imagine oh
there's james look at him over there
he's all like he's sitting in the throne
oh you know what my roast is at you james [ __ ] you james
this this is your one chance to be in charge enjoy it big man
i know that's what you really are textbook small dog
you're always talking about your big dick energy the last time i checked men
your hands ain't much bigger than mine
i mean okay sorry just to be clear about one thing i'm actually not saying that
that's an indication
oh you guys were all here when my wife was up
you know that's actually pretty easy coming up with mean things to say about
me his voice is so high
his balls haven't dropped uh honestly uh by comparison
coming up with mean things to say about you guys was really hard for me before
tonight except james james you enjoyed this
um seriously though i think this is the the
part of the show where i thank you all sincerely from the bottom of my heart
for being here um i know that this was
absolutely a ton of work for all of you
you guys were amazing by the way um
you also put a lot of trust in what is admittedly
a gaggle of idiots to pull this all off so
thank you for that means a lot um so as much as i
want to say that i absolutely meant all of the mean things i said
i love you all enough to start bottling them up again tomorrow
you guys are the best speaking of the best
our sponsor madrina's coffee
featuring the lambo roast and this exclusive orange can
i was definitely paid to put that label on there
uh we wouldn't have been able to do this without you guys um
i also want to thank our production team and the incredible team at Floatplane
it might take them a while but eventually they get it we live streamed
this tonight exclusively on float planes
so thank you luke
i also want to do a massive shout out to many people but especially Yvonne
steth Colton and james who worked tirelessly
on this for some of them weeks some of the months leading up to tonight
and of course finally i want to reserve my biggest thank you to our friends and
our family members who are here in the audience you guys came out to show your support
damn it and also to our dedicated fans um
i'm calling it jordan peterson right now
both the ones that are here in the audience encouraging us even when our jokes
aren't that great and the ones that are watching us from
afar over the interwebs as much as that's pretty creepy you guys
without all of you though none of this would be possible we owe you all so much
uh thank you for being here and good night everybody
the roast of Linus sebastian is fueled by madrina's coffee get the Linus tech
tips vanilla cold brew today
oh